My daughter is such a little madam. Her brothel brings in good money though, so I can’t complain.
Middle-aged cheese makers insist a few Gruyères make them look distinguished.
‘Best served chilled’ is my favourite euphemism for ‘Tastes like piss at room temperature’.
All the stuff that Lord John Sewel has done has been cancelled out in my brain on learning that his middle name is Buttifant.
“The Lord moves in mysterious ways”
[puts on bra, snorts coke off hooker’s tits]
News: Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him as he has a history of violins.
I have zero tolerance for drugs. Which means that I do get off my nut easily.
The first rule of Norman Collier club is ou alk ut orm er club.
I know it sounds crazy but maybe we should just decriminalise the House of Lords.
I put the ‘penis’ into “the way you misspell things is the height of creepenis”.
I joined a Historical Reconstruction Reconstruction Society. Each week we reconstruct a famous historical reconstruction from history.
Don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it’s over.
This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she’s using the other eye. Never mind, she’s just falling asleep.
Microsoft’s replacement for Internet Explorer is called Edge. It faces stiff competition from Apple’s Bono and Google’s The Other Two.
I drove past a sign that said “Watch for blind children”. That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?”
Apparently there are some people on Twitter who steal other people’s jokes. *bear strolls past in direction of woods clutching toilet roll*
Did you read about that bloke who died in a power cut at the Thunderbirds Museum last night? Hence the candlelit Virgil.
I once took part in an illegal street dance competition and got arrested for breaking and entering.
It’s very hard to tell if Sean Connery wants to sit on your sofa or shit on your chauffeur.
Breaking: David Cameron move to name wealthy London property owners backed by his neighbours Mr Anatov, Sheikh Al-Kartoum, and that Colombian bloke.
Hey girl are you the way they squash the credits at the end of shows to advertise the next program because my mother doesn’t like you.
My wife just used the same teabag twice so I called the police and they hit her with a restraining order.
This manure farmer just stepped out of a solid gold Ferrari, covered in shit. He must be rolling in it.