Love is never feeling you have to say sorry. No, not love – sociopathy.
Lol you people are so slow, I did my tax return like a year ago.
I’ve just heard that because of one bad practitioner David Cameron wants to outlaw all reflexologists. Typical knee-jerk reaction.
Just reading that the expression ‘Cat’s Whisker’s’ and ‘Bee’s Knees’ originated, like a lot of animal-related sayings, in Medieval times. Well slap me in the face with a donkey’s cock, I didn’t know that.
Of I had a time machine, I’d travel back in time and change the mistake at the beginning of this joke.
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. I haven’t even shot a normal person.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly.
Stages of a relationship:
1. First base
2. Second base
3. Third base
4. Homebase
FACT: ‘Ylang-ylang’ is Chinese for ‘Oh my god, oh my god, that boy at school I really fancy just phoned’.
Me? Overweight lover on the streets, a selfish overweight lover in the sheets.
A Yorkshire man constructs a giant electric fan and plugs it in. What happens next will blow you away…
I’ve been getting swimming lessons lately. I thought they were a waste of time until recently when I was out walking in my pyjamas and I accidentally dropped my brick in the river.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I’ve been working on this Rubik’s Cube for three hours and just now figured out how to open the package.
Never underestimate the power of underestimation.
I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend I didn’t want it in the first place so kept running. Now I’m in Belgium.
My mate reminds me of Tom Cruise. Mainly because he looks like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. And when I think of him it reminds me of Tom Cruise.
I was struck by lightning the other day. I was walking down the road and I thought ‘Lightning really is remarkable’.
I didn’t know why my electronic instrument was only playing German propaganda music until I realised I’d bought a Nazi synthesizer.
Just reading that the average dog knows six words, but apparently not one of them is “don’t” “shit” “on” “my” “fucking” “drive”.
Just had a close shave. That was a close shave.
I find India absolutely fascinating. It’s a place where you can get killed by a tiger, or a salad.
One day I’d like to be voted the best arsonist but right now I’m hardly setting the world alight.
Fuck millennials calling themselves millennials.