Date: “I usually go for the most annoying people possible”
Me: “Actually I just listened to a podcast about that…”
Date: *starts playing with hair* “Oh really?”
The best part of being a pathological liar is having an 11-inch cock.
My mum has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail.
I love it when the wife puts on her nurse’s uniform on Saturday nights. That means she’s fucking off to work for the weekend.
Great fun organising my first bukaake for my wife last night. Thanks to all who came.
OMG! TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE HISTRIONIC SOCIETY HAS BEEN FUCKING CANCELLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to work as an international drug smuggler, but I didn’t have it in me.
Your porn star name is the first name and surname you give yourself when starting a career in porn.
History is full of strong imposing women. At least my internet history is.
There are schoolchildren on the bus throwing chewing gum around, and some just landed in my hair. I’ve told them to cut it out.
Just reprinted: My classic anthropological work ‘Yasser, That’s My Baby: The Palestinian Census of 1991’.
The optician’s report says my vision is 20-20…oh, sorry, I misread that. It says so-so.
I’ve been scouring the town looking for a Brillo pad. I had one in my hand all the time.
FACT: The fastest reflex in the human body is the time between not being able to find something and claiming someone else has moved it.
Kids are expensive, but who knows when you’re going to need a kidney.
A police survey states that you’re more likely to be shot running from a fat policeman.
I’m very much into fitness. Fitness bacon double cheeseburger into my gob.
“Where in America did your mum go?”
“Juneau”
“I don’t know, that’s why I asked”
“No – Alaska”
“Forget it, I’ll ask her myself”
I’ve got a photo of Diana Ross that I want to hang above my door but there ain’t no mounting high enough.
Shivering under the cold air. It has been so long since I’ve felt warmth, but it has abandoned me like most things I love. Soon death’s sweet embrace will come for me and the cold won’t bother me. But until that day, I sit here suffering Him: “Fine! I’ll put the central heating on”
Awkward moment for Boris Johnson during visit to a London hospital, as doctors say there’s nothing they can do to stop his nose growing.
News: It has emerged that the man caught blatantly lying in a London hospital is also a Brexit activist.