I like how the word dyscalculia is made up of exactly seven letters.
The inventor of the game charades has
*holds up one finger*
*pulls earlobe*
*mimics breaking an egg into a pan and points at it when cooked*
What’s better than seeing the look of disappointment on the faces of Celtic fans after crashing out the champions league? Seeing it twice.
Wilfried Zaha has been caught speeding in his Lamborghini meaning he has now picked up more points this season than Man United.
TIP: Avoid any awkward silences in conversation by phoning my mother-in-law.
Do you understand Venn diagrams?
a) yes
b) no
c) a bit of both
Currently stuck in Paddington. Turns out marmalade is NOT a good lubricant.
I was going to do a joke about the Channel Tunnel but I’ve decided against it. It’s too long to go into.
Sprinkled some glitter on the lunchtime gravy. B.I.S.T.O ♫
“Take the arrow out. Now, bite the apple. Masticate it thoroughly – 32 times per mouthful” ~ William Tell Over Chewer.
Great news – I’ve just been made the titular head of the Breast Implant Association.
“I’d like to propose a toaster” ~ the inventor of the toaster pitches his idea.
I’ve just had a lunch meant for two people. One of them has threatened to fucking kill me.
Nothing soothes my verrucas more than a nice relaxing swim at my local pool.
“You have no idea who you’re dealing with.” ~ me, to an amnesiac croupier.
The first rule of Elaboration Club is that you do not talk about Elaboration Club, in the sense that you should refrain from mentioning it.
“Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting people’s jobs wrong.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah, and a pound of carrots please, mate”.
In America, I bet Windolene is called something like Muthafuckin Shine-o Muthafucka.
I play cricket at 5am every day, so you’ll have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me out.
Reading a book called ‘The Claw’. It’s gripping stuff.
My wife has left me because of my preoccupation with Star Wars. Regret that she will.
I’m about to play the fanfare at the Festival of Innuendo. Just waiting for someone to give me the horn.
“Which Cardinal should I send this to?”
“To Hume”
“Sorry, to whom should I send this?”
I have a fantastic memory. Until I’m asked which petrol pump I just used.
The guy who puts the titles at the top of my work does my heading.
Wow. Douglas Carswell. Who’d have thought. Douglas Carswell. Ol’ Dougy. The Carsenator. Douglas Carswell. *googles Douglas Carswell*
Online shopping for handmade knives is my new jam.
I wish Diabetes Concern would hurry the fuck up with their Ice Cream Challenge.
Mr. Carswell, the correct term is “defecating to UKIP”.
I was just listening to random tracks on my iPod. It got really good for a bit, but then just went really flat. Turns out I had it on soufflé.
I just had Patricia Routledge dropped on me from a great height. I think if was the Hyacinth Bucket challenge.
Who cares that Whoopi Goldberg has married Gerard Depardieu?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
There is no place for elitism in a modern, meritocratic society. Which is why we haven’t got one.