My mate became a mime artist. I haven’t heard from him since.
TIP: Ensure your kids wash their faces and brush their teeth every morning by giving them spare ribs for breakfast.
Once, my mum walked in my room and said “you’ll go blind if you do that”. I was so startled, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.
I’ve just sold the monitor from our exercise bike to a bloke at work. My wife’s disappointed, she had her heart set on it.
TIP: Reduce the carbon footprint of bin lorries by putting rubbish and recycling into the same bin.
I’m selling off my old vinyl collection, so if anyone wants any second hand BDSM gear please get in touch.
A group of young men dressed as the Light Brigade have been taken into custody. Police say there will be no charges.
“What do we want?”
“Anagrams!”
“What-ho! Wet, new mend?”
“Own!”
I’ve wasted all morning trying to beat my personal best for limbo dancing. This is a new low for me.
TIP: Convert your sitting room into a lavatory by sending in H from Steps.
Occasionally I like to call a random phone number and say:
“Noel, it’s the banker. Offer him £7500″, then I hang up.”
“OK sir, it’s your last meal before the electric chair. What can we get for you.” “Hamburger and fries please. With a coke.”
“Is Pepsi OK?”
I ate something that didn’t agree with me earlier.
THAT’S how you win an argument.
My wife said I could do whatever I liked on my birthday. So I’m flying to Brazil to start a new life.
Sat down for a nice evening watching The Golden Globes last night when she caught me looking, put her bra on and closed her bedroom curtains.
Remember that the Bitcoin exchange rate fluctuates wildly. So while 500 Bitcoins were worth jack shit yesterday today they’re worth fuck all.
“I’m so excited – and I just can’t hide it”. Not in these leggings.
Apparently Oscar Pistorius has a new girlfriend. Try not to dwell on that, lonely single people.
An Oscar can be a curse on your movie career. After their awards Cuba Gooding Jr, Ghandi and Malcolm X never made anything worthwhile.
Asterisks are ****ing great. I swear by them.
“I once briefly had a job printing fake bank notes, but quit after a couple of days.” “How come?”
“The money was terrible.”
News: Report finds badger cull ‘ineffective’ and ‘inhumane’. Which brings it into line with all the other government policies.
Putting up a painting. I tried Blu-Tack, Pritt Stick and Sellotape before I finally nailed it.
Fasting day today. I’ve already been annoyed by a woman’s hat.
I have this terrible recurring dream that I’m trying to divide 1 by 3.
TIP: Create an air of excitement and anticipation at social gatherings by starting a sneeze but never finishing it.
That trick where you pretend to search in your pocket and pull out a V-sign is even better when you do it on a friend’s new baby.
Another good thing to do when someone shows you their new baby is to burst out laughing.
News: The government denies that it plans to redefine ‘child poverty’ as ‘juvenile pre-wealthiness’.
Whether my dyslexia has been cured or not is still nuclear.
My friend with a lisp has passed away. He’ll be miffed.
My wife has left me because of my obsession with documenting our entire relationship. 27/02/14 @ 1645 in Pizza Express (dirty cutlery).
“A little bit of black paint under my eyes, a little pack of hand grenades by my side” ~ Rambo No 5.
Very sad. The poison who on vented chinese whispers has deed.
FACT: A woman’s cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.
Manchester United’s end of season DVD is available in all good retailers as of tomorrow.
My mate couldn’t handle living with his wife any longer so last week he hired a hitman. RIP Paddy.
On a sweet-toothed whim, I ordered a box of Wispas from a Chinese website. By the time they reached me, they were M&Ms.
“Nothing says I love you like” ~ lonely scouser.
I make grenades in a munitions factory. I can count on the finger of one hand, the amount of times I’ve got one wrong.