My daughter was off school today with a temperature so I rang the doctor. He said “Is she hot?” I said “Well, with a little make-up…”
I was horrified when the operator said the calls were coming from upstairs. That was the moment I realised I was still paying for a landline.
The wife just came out of the bathroom naked and said “I’ve lost ten pounds”. I said “Turn around, I think I found it”.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but this dentist just seems pretty upset.
As a kid my mum used to tuck me in. She really wanted a daughter.
Never name drop…Sandy Bullock taught me this.
Horse: “So what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?”
Farmer: “Well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks”
Horse: “Oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumours about …hey woah is that thing loaded!?”
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up, it’s the dart board the wife put up on the ceiling.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie and the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw.
Me: “I’m leaving for the party”
Dad: “Don’t get anyone pregna- *notices my acoustic guitar* -never mind, have fun”
A friend has offered to invest in my failing ski-lift business. I said I didn’t want to bring him down but I might take him up on it.
I missed the World Hairdressing Championships tonight. Anyone know if there were any highlights?
I used to have a job in flood repairs until the work dried up.
TIP: Parents. Recreate the fun of sweet cigarettes for modern kids by fashioning a ‘sherbet crack-pipe’ from a dib-dab and a kazoo.
I call my wife the Colonel. Not because she’s finger licking good. She’s got a beard and glasses.
TIP: Save energy by turning on your energy-saving bulbs at breakfast time, so they’ll be bright enough by the evening.
I experimented with drugs as a teenager. I put some laxative in my sister’s cornflakes.
It’s a great sadness in the drug cartels that none of them shall rise above the noble rank of Baron.
If you can’t think of a term synonymous with boiling an egg, maybe you’re not thinking harden oeuf.
Therapist: “Do you blame yourself for your parents’ divorce?”
Me: “Not really”
Therapist: [quietly while reading through notes] “You probably should”
Being Prince Andrew is a tough job. It’s 1% inspiration, 0% perspiration, and 99% prevarication.
The vibe at this seafood stall is a bit standoffish.