Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today. She set off the neighbour’s smoke alarm.
I feel a bit overdressed at this premature ejaculation support group. I’ve worn jeans and a shirt, everyone else has come in their pants.
Not sure who came up with the spelling of ‘phlegm’ but phuck thegm.
If I’ve learnt one thing from my grandad, it’s that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t watch child porn.
My great grandfather was a scientist who, after 30 years of research, discovered why women get periods. It turns out it’s because they deserve them.
I’ve just completed my 98th OCD awareness course.
Date: “Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao” Me: [daren’t move] “Haha what a loser”
Never let it be said that I censor people.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse, and using it strategically.
My wife said “We should child-proof the house”. I said “Good idea, wait till they go to school and then you lock the doors and I’ll nail the windows shut”.
I accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat.
TIP: Kids. Get other people to do your maths homework for you by putting a photo of it on social media, and adding ‘97% will fail this test’ or ‘Solve if you are genius’ at the bottom.
Wife: “You’re going to be a great dad one day”
Husband: “And you’ll make a great mother one day too”
Me: [from the basement] “WHEN!?”
My dad was so good at the stairway behind the couch trick. He did it once 27 years ago and we haven’t seen him since.
Me: “It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!”
Gang leader: “I’ve asked you to stop saying that”
What if slugs are just snails going through a divorce – “Yep, she got the house”
I sold the monitor from the top of my exercise bike. My wife’s not very happy. She had her heart set on it.
NEWS: Theresa May faced with threat of revolting MPs – or Boris and Jacob, as they’re more commonly known.
Does anyone know how to get into piracy? I’m thinking of taking a punt.
Another embarrassing u-turn for climate “scientists”. First they said yesterday was the hottest February day on record. Now they’re saying it’s today.
Sometimes I forget how fast I can move. Then I sit on a toilet with the seat up.
I first suspected the ancient papyrus scroll I’d invested in might be a fake when I noticed, at intervals, the words ‘Back to top’.
I’ve bought a sexy bra and panties set. I can’t wait for my wife to come home from work. I can’t work out how to do the strap up.