TIP: Save time and money this Halloween by always answering the question “Trick or Treat?” with “Fuck Off”.
My best sexual role play fantasy is where I pretend to be me and she pretends to be someone who agrees to have sex with me.
I expect I’ll get a late call for a Pride of Britain after the fart I just did in the bath. *puts on tux*
Some lad from school’s just tagged me on Facebook, Longest. Game. Ever! Oh well.. I’m it.
Breaking: Luis Suarez, Gareth Bale, Ashley Young, Sergio Busquets and Neymar have been nominated for FIFA Fallon d’Floor 2012.
My wife just came home. I said ‘You should probably sit down.’. ‘Why?’ she said, worriedly. ‘More comfortable.’ I said.
I saw a fox on the way to work this morning. At least I think it was on it’s way to work, it was wearing a rucksack.
I caught my son taking ecstasy tablets. Just goes to show you can’t leave anything lying around when you’ve got a 2 year old in the house.
My wife and I did some patient / nurse role play last night. I didn’t enjoy it, I was sat in the hallway for three hours reading old Bellas.
TIP: Women. Avoid the hassle and expense of hair straighteners, by not eating your crusts.
The wife said “I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.” I said “We could take them to your mother’s.”
Marathon star Paula Radcliffe wed 1500m runner Gary Lough 12 years ago & they’re still together. And some say mixed race marriages don’t work.
So today is national “Text your Ex” day. So far I’ve had four “Hi small cock”s and a “Guess what? I swallow now”. Charming.
If you think you aren’t creative…Buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
My boss said “I’ve noticed you nodding off during meetings recently, are you getting enough sleep?” I said “Not really, the meetings are a lot shorter these days”.
Come on, guys. It’s a self service checkout. It’s not the fucking mainframe computer at Cape Canaveral.
I’ve just taken a Polaroid photo. More on this as it develops.
Apparently I was supposed to be on a time management training course yesterday.