Posh Ginger Sporty Scary Baby. That’s what would be the result if Prince Harry ever has a kid.
Remember – if you’re going on a long journey CHECK YOUR TYRES. There should be four of them apparently.
“I don’t want solutions, I want problems!” ~ the boss at a Sudoku company.
What’s the difference between my girlfriend and my TV? It only takes me one finger to turn on my TV.
I’ve just been invited to a knees up. Or as my girlfriend calls it, accompanying her to the gynaecologist.
My friend’s a crack addict; only Jesus can save him now. (Jesus is his Mexican drug-dealer friend.)
I don’t know what the Egyptians are all excited about. They’re not even in the Euros.
My ex-girlfriend was a complete slut. Whenever she ate a banana in public, she would put one hand behind her head.
Men live up to 10 years longer when they’re married. Of course. You’re not going to die early, that’s what the fat bitch would want.
That’s the first and last time Sean Connery ordered a pair of satin pants over the phone.
I shouted out to my wife “Hey, come up here, you’ll get a kick out of this.” Then I kicked her down the stairs.
Make people think you’re an undercover investigative film maker by always carrying a large sports bag under your arm.
My missus says she doesn’t like beards. I’ve told her to stop taking the steroids.
I’ve always lived my life by the motto ‘less is more’. Probably why my stint as an anaesthetist ended so badly.
Do you know what’s great for instant messages? Baseball bats.
I was peeping at my n
Nan’s rack the other night, then I beat her with my penis. I love Scrabble.
I do a really bad Geordie impression. It’s uncanny.
I’ve just had a shit that was so big it touched the water before breaking off. That’s pretty impressive from the middle diving board.
Seriously, can a man wearing pyjamas not buy wine at 8am without people assuming something is wrong?
Doctors only have themselves to blame over their shit pensions. Who’s fault is it that we’re all living longer?
TV show idea. Someone well-off takes a group of inner-city kids and leaves them the fuck alone.
“Wow, is that the time? I had no idea it was so linear.” ~ Stephen Hawking, making an excuse to leave a boring party.
I once asked a teacher what a durex was. He told me to look it up in a dictionary, which I did, under duress.
It has been very difficult for me to plan my wife’s funeral. She keeps walking in on me.
The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good wi-fi connection.
Had a big mix up in a shop today. Apparently when the girl said “strip down facing me” she was referring to my credit card.
If laughter was really the best medicine, you can bet my insurance would only cover giggles, chuckles and sniggers.
“Doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.” “Sorry, I’m on strike. And your friend with the strawberry up his bum can fuck off too.”
I’m off to play fetch with the dog. Stick with me.
I’ve just seen two gangs of clowns walk by, all tooled up with pies. I think there’s going to be a custardy battle.
Why do shampoo bottles have to say ‘Lather, Rinse, Repeat’ on them? My blonde girlfriend’s been in the shower for 22 hours now.
When I was a kid some older boys threw my trainers over a telephone wire. I wouldn’t have been too bothered, but I still had them on.
I’m with H from steps dancing in a tent filled with hydrogen. He’s in his element.
Just my luck. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone’s robbed my bank account.
Humpty Dumpty’s full name is Humperdinck Dumperdinck.
As a child, I was horrified when my parents washed up on the beach, as we had a dishwasher back in the chalet.
Ever get a shock from your car? My satnav just told me I’m adopted.
Prince William is America’s idea of a typical Englishman: Posh. Prince and Will.I.Am are England’s idea of typical Americans: Mental.
Finally decided to set up my own bakery business directly marketing bagels, doughnuts, iced rings, etc: called “Cut Out The Middle” Man.
Syria jet pilot defects to Jordan. Man’s a fool. She won’t love him.
I appear to be in the middle of a monsoon, is this right? They don’t even sell men’s clothes.
It may seem a trivial point, but at the end of every episode of Open All Hours, Ronnie Barker shut the fucking shop.
My girlfriend said to me in Tesco “You’re one fat lazy bastard!”. I nearly fell out of the trolley.
“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
*Knock knock* “Whose their?” “The Grammar Police” “Oh, bollocks”.
Come and cook me thin strips of meat with onions and mushrooms in a sour cream sauce, if you think you’re Stroganoff.
3 hardest things to do in the world. 1. Count your hair. 2. Wash your eyes with soap. 3. Breath with your tongue out. Now put your tongue away!
You know you have a problem when every letter of the alphabet you type into your address bar brings up a porn site.
Due to this Tax Avoidance Scheme, Take That to be renamed as Don’t Take That.
Reaching 50 is an excellent time to take stock. Well, no-one’s going to suspect the old geezer, are they?
Sadly, my practical jokes business has been served with a winding-up order.
Somebody’s squashed my dumplings, I’ve never seen such wonton vandalism.
I’ve been chained to my desk all day. My fault for working in an S&M club.
I was furious when I found my wife’s profile on an on-line dating website. ‘Fun to be around’ my arse.
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