They say 1 in 4 people are dyslexic and there’s 4 people in my office. It’s either me or Darren or Kevin or Anal. It’s Anal isn’t it?
I just had a bubble bath. It was me, my Mum, my Uncle Alan and my Nan.
Did you know there’s a condition called sleep wanking? No? My girlfriend didn’t believe me either.
I see Gary Barlow is trending this morning. It’s such a shame that he blocked me. Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it…
Well done and congratulations to the people asking me ‘How I like my steak cooked?’ and ‘My favourite Cliff Richard song?’.
FACT: A human fart can be louder than a trombone. Shame I had to discover that at my daughter’s school concert.
My wife just screamed “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?” I said “What a weird way to start a conversation!”
The Sperm Count ~ probably my least favourite Sesame Street character
Remember: You don’t have to wait until Christmas or New Year to let your family know you love them. You can wait much longer than that.
I still can’t believe that my senior class in high school voted me ‘Least likely to let things go’.
I went in to the vets today and said “Have you got a cure for fleas?” She said “That depends. What’s wrong with them?”
My mate set me up on a blind date. He said “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby”. I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
The first rule of Cliff Richard Club is: We don’t talk any more.
I’m sick and tired of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It’s like the spinach inquisition.
I have a corporate communications joke, but we prefer the term ‘language-based wit solution’.
My Nan told me that it doesn’t matter what you do with your life as long as, by the end of it, you’re happy and you can afford your own bed. She told me that on her death chair.
TIP: Ensure that you have a really lovely day by simply going on a game show and losing.
Mick Hucknall: “When it came to sharing their wealth the French Impressionists were pretty generous. Particularly Cèzanne, Degas and Renoir” Me: “What about Monet?”
Mick Hucknall: “Monet’s too tight to mention”
“What do you think of my trendy new waterproof coat and this rubber ring to go round my unicycle wheel?” “Sorry, wasn’t listening. What do I think of what?”
“My cool mac and tyre?”
“Terrible comic. Not funny at all”
I’ve never been able to count to 10 in French because of my huit allergy.