10 years ago to the day my brother died doing what he loved best. Researching whether big cats loved chasing string as much as domestic cats.
I’ve told my family that when I die, I want my body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I once lost my luggage when I flew to Helsinki. It just vanished into Finnair.
Air Stewardess: *looks at ticket* “Just down that way”
Me: “You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway”
Air Stewardess: “Yes“
Me: “I’d be lost without you”
TIP: Get that ‘quiz show’ thrill of having to answer several rapid fire questions in under a minute by joining a queue in Subway.
I won the lottery today so I called my boss this afternoon and told him to stick his fucking job right up his arse. I just hope there’s nothing wrong with the scratchcard when I go to Tesco’s.
I’ve been trying to do this with Vietnamese food, but I should probably stop beef pho they bánh mì.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Boss: “Hard at work I see”
Me: “Sorry, it’s these tight jeans”
Who called it ‘Babysitting for Gwyneth Paltrow’ instead of ‘Apple Watch’?
At school I was often the victim of humour, so I took up bullying as a way to fight back.
My wife has literally everything in her handbag. Tonight I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter, and a dice. She had two of each.
TIP: Convince visitors you’ve won the EuroMillions lottery by putting your heating on.
TIP: Pretend you’re a grandparent by letting your children eat whatever the fuck they want.
Healthy as a horse? They literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok.
Eye of the Tiger plays as I get ready to tell my wife I don’t want to go to lunch this Saturday.
If you think you might enjoy getting shouted at from another room for chewing too loud, maybe give marriage a try.
I’m waiting to see how this North Korea thing pans out before I pay those parking tickets.
TIP: Let everyone know you’re British by only being able to leave the room after patting your hands on the table and saying ‘Right!”
If you love somebody, set them free. Better still, don’t imprison them in the first place.
“I hope that helps” is my favourite way of signing off that says: “I did as little as possible. Please don’t ever contact me again”.
TV Idea. The Labyrinth, but I have to find my car in Tesco car park before my frozen goods defrost.
What I lack in brevity, I compensate for by utilising excessively complicated verbiage which negatively impacts comprehensibility.
My wife thinks my mind-reading lessons are a waste of time.
I watched a pot earlier and it boiled. Makes me wonder what else is a lie.