Wondering if anyone else has been affected by any of the issues in Kafka’s The Metamorphosis? At the moment I’m just putting out feelers.
I always go out of my way to help people who need to move. Sorry, punctuation: I always go “Out of my way!” to help people who need to move.
On holiday in India. Just on our way to Bollywood Houlevard.
Tthhiiss iiss tthhee wwoorrlldd”ss ffiirrsstt 33DD ttwweett ((pplleeaassee ppuutt oonn yyoouurr 33DD ggllaasseess ttoo vviieeww))
If I don’t win Pet Owner Of The Year, I’ll eat my cat.
TIP: Take a practical joke to the next level by filling a whoopee cushion with chocolate Angel Delight.
I’ve seen enough rom-coms to know that Theresa May and Abu Qatada are going to end up together.
If a public house doesn’t have at least one toothless man watching ‘At The Races’ in the afternoon, it is not worthy of the title.
Happy 40th birthday, Sarah Jessica-Parker. That’s 280 in horse years.
I’ve got a tattoo which says ‘Best before Feb 04’ just in case I get stranded with some very hungry cannibals.
I’ve accepted every email offer I’ve ever received. My penis is now 235 feet long.
Just been in a coffee shop so trendy, I was surprised they didn’t serve espresso in wicker thimbles.
As I’m completely bald, when I go swimming I have to wear a bathing cap with hair on it.
Anyway I may be puerile, but at least I’m not a big smelly poo bum.
Revenge is sweet, and a dish best served cold. I might be wrong, but Revenge sounds an awful lot like Crème Caramel.
This haddock I’m frying has been “boned with care by the fishmonger”. I suppose those night shifts at Morrisons do get quite lonely.
After the last series of The Voice ended, Will.i am stayed in his room for months. Spinning round in a chair, saying ‘That’s dope’ out loud.
At least Jesus got a trial. Nowadays suspected Middle Eastern radicals are taken out by a drone strike, authorised in secret. Happy Easter.
I’m holding a charity event for people who can’t achieve orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Piers Morgan update: still a loathsome cunt. More as it happens.
Never have a tactical wank before sex, trust me, I learned that the soft way.
Before I consulted Roget’s Thesaurus I didn’t have a bad word to say about you.
What have rhetorical questions ever done for us?
FACT: Johnny Depp’s full name is Jonathan Deputy.
“It’s important we remember the true meaning of Easter” ~ The Archbishop of Cadbury.
TIP: Mark the protracted suffering and death on the Cross of Our Lord Jesus Christ by eating mildly spiced fruit buns.
FACT: Heston Blumenthal serves thrice-baked tepid cross buns, every Easter.
Jimmy Savile police have arrested another celebrity. An 82 year old man living in Berkshire. Can you guess who it is yet?
My wife just said “Facebook is down!” “Really” I replied, “I wondered why you were speaking to me”.
Thoughts are with my late sister this morning. She was supposed to be here at 9.
Time to buy some eggs for my nephews. Cod roe it is, the spoilt bastards.
Crossword clue – crucifix eater, eight across.
“Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!” ~ a tobacconist.
“We need to talk” is a good thing to say if you’re about to break up with a mime artist.
He was the obvious choice to play Gollum, every Serkis needs a ring leader.
Sous Chef / Sioux chief, it’s an easy mistake to make, anyway, long story short, my outfit was unsuitable for the kitchen and I was sacked.
I hate myself so much that I ate yeast, kneeded myself, then popped in the oven until I was golden brown. This self-loaving has got to stop.
I’m so hungover if I was a Charles Dickens character I’d be Mr Shitty McHeadspinny Bellychurnywizzle.
I once held the world record, for the youngest person on the planet.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.
Benedict Cumberbatch shot to fame 20 years after Cabbage Patch Dolls. As yet unknown Irish actor Tam O’Gochy can expect an Oscar in 2017.
I think it’s very brave of that young homosexual to admit that he’s a footballer.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless my wife’s had something to do with it. Then it’s always served burnt.
3pm Good Friday was around the time that Jesus suffering intensified as he was dragged round B&Q looking for a new curtain rails.
How come baby Jesus didn’t have a crib for a bed? His dad was a carpenter for fucks sake.
Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said: “Oh, no, what’s he done now?”
I was only in jail for a short time but I got seriously sexually assaulted. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.
BBC News: ‘B-52s sent to Korea’. Hopefully a bit of “Love Shack” will calm the tensions.
Pope Francis kissed the feet of a dozen minors today, in an effort to prove that the church is trying really hard to exercise restraint.
I went to the doctor today with a shooting pain in my left arm. He said “You’ve been shot in the left arm.”
Who says Jesus couldn’t perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
Apparently, talks between the government and the teachers’ unions broke down when one of them noticed Michael Gove was chewing.
I’m teaching my son valuable life lessons with this year’s egg hunt. Instead of eggs, he’ll be looking for my keys and my last 3 payslips.
There was uproar in the house last night as I read my granddad’s will out to the family. Maybe we should have waited for him to die first.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My wife hates it when I say “You’re just like your mother!” Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
FACT: There was a room at Guantanamo Bay full of loud speakers playing Jimmy Carr’s laugh continuously.
Apparently there’s now even a website which shows all the porn that people are watching globally. What is the world coming to?
Going out for a meal with a dear friend tonight. Very dear, in fact – £150 an hour plus extra for touching.
Ahhh the pitta patter of tiny bread salesmen.
I’ve just eaten an American amount of pizza and now I want to fuck a gun and invade Iranistan.
I once went to a timber merchant and bought some Norwegian wood. Or should I say, it once bought me.
I’ve just become a fully-qualified clairvoyant. The one-day course and certificate only cost me 200 quid! I know what you’re thinking.
This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time, so don’t forget the clock on your oven will be wrong for the next 6 months.