Roy Hodgson says he doesn’t want to put too much pressure on his young England team but he is confident of them making it out of the airport.
The BBC claims that Portugal’s Varela scored the Equalizer but: a. He wasn’t even born when it started
and
b. He’s not a musician.
Luis Suarez has been banned for 9 matches, or in England terms, 3 World Cups.
August 5th. ANTI-BULLYING SEMINAR. Free attendance, but bring plenty of lunch money.
How to make list jokes:
1.Use irony
9.Understand chronology
D.Be consistent
3.Knock knock
2.Don’t mix joke formats
5.Keep within 140 charac
The worst time to try and do business with a cockney pimp is when he’s out of sorts.
Job interviewer: “So what is your 5 year plan?”
Me: “It’s to do the same things I’m doing now but hope for different results”.
TIP: Recreate a visit to Aldi by using the delivery entrance to Tesco.
I wonder if the police would turn a blind eye if I dug up Jimmy Savile then had sex with him.
“This is a tough clue… ‘Verb, to consume entire drink in one sip’ ?” “Is it ‘to down’?”
“No… 3 across, why do you ask?”
When I told my wife I’d lost the DVD of our wedding, she ripped me a new one.
That’s sad. The inventor of the USB stick died last Tuesday. They gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
TIP: Pretend to be a tennis coach by wearing sunglasses and looking pissed off all the time.
Apparently I never ‘glisten properly’, whatever that means.
Nit nurses do a difficult job, I take my hat off to them.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there”
“Doctor”
“Doctor Who!”
“Doctor Stevens. You rang earlier. Your Mum fell down the stairs? Please open up”.
“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens” ~ Heston Blumenthal places an order for supplies.
Only taken Luis Suarez three days to come up with an excuse slightly less plausible than when my 5 year old told me teddy had drawn all over the wall.
Looking forward to accidentally falling on a Chinese takeaway later.
The most embarrassing display from a sporting Fred since Flintoff took to a pedalo.
I hope that disallowed goal hasn’t made Hulk angry. Apparently, we wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
I still give people children’s modelling clay for their birthdays, even as adults. So they can make what they want of that.