I’ve been diagnosed as over-projecting my own optimism onto other people, you’ll all be delighted to hear.
My mate used to row for Cambridge. He was in the debating society.
[Getting ready for a night out]
Me: “What d’ya think?”
Wife: “Wow, could you be any more handsome?”
Me: “Aw, thanks”
Wife: “No seriously, see what you can do?”
I just saw a car with ‘Just Married’ on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Married sext: “You were so good in bed last night, I didn’t hear you snore once”.
It must’ve been pretty awkward when Jesus came back and Mary and Joseph had already turned his room into a gym.
I told my doctor I was suffering from Premature Ejaculation. He said “How does your wife feel about it?” I said ” She took it on the chin the first time but recently it’s been getting on her tits”.
Scientists now believe that if you masturbate obsessively you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life. How the fuck do these twatbrained fucking aresholes come up with these cocksucking, fucking titwank ideas is beyond me.
My wife says that I never do anything to “take her breath away any more”. So I’ve just hid her inhaler in the bread-bin.
I once saw a man in a field in the middle of winter, bollock naked, having sex with a cow. I remember thinking to myself “He must be fucking Friesian”.
I’m taking the day off tomorrow with a self-diagnosed illness. I’m not a doctor, but I do play one on eHarmony.
I just want to be rich enough to have pillowcases that are all the same colour.
So sad Easter that has become commercial and the true meaning has been lost. Most people don’t even know Jesus fought a rabbit let alone why.
News: Cambridge victory. The defeated Oxford crew will have to make do with being Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary & Chancellor.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: “Are they real?”
Girl: [pulling moon landing pics out of her bra] “I thought you’d never ask!”
I went to the gym today. I go religiously. So the next visit will be Christmas time.
Me? I was raised as an only child. That really pissed off my brother.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.
I went to my doctor and told him “My penis is burning.” He said “It just means somebody is talking about it”.