I’m trying to learn the guitar. I’ve just been banned after only my second lesson after my inappropriate reaction to “Let’s practice your fingering technique”.
TIP: Show other Twitter users how sensitive you are by typing c**t when you mean cunt.
Just heard some breaking business news that Ryanair lost 27 million last year. Not sure yet whether that’s Euros or suitcases.
“Narrating over everything you do won’t make your life more exciting!” I told myself firmly. But I wasn’t listening. I was out of control.
Money was so tight last year I had to sell a kidney for Christmas presents. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Serious question. How long is postnatal depression supposed to last? It’s just that I’m 47 now and my mum still cries whenever I visit.
My son’s big dream is to be in a boy band. The more I look at him I’m guessing his other dream is to have a boy band in him.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “Well, mum said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”.
My ex is always subtweeting me by marrying a guy with a good job and living in a nice house and having lovely children and posting it online.
I said to my wife “You’re just like Katy Perry”. She said “Wow, really?” I said “You’re both plain as fuck without your makeup on”.
Labour says abusive members cannot vote in the leadership election, in a move John McDonnell calls a “fucking load of shit from those cunts”.
Russia, if you’re listening, I still can’t get this U2 album off my iPhone.
“Help, I’ve lost the remains of an Egyptian pharaoh in a park in South London!” “Tooting Common?”
“No, Neferkheperure-waenre Amenhotep IV”
The Kremlin denies hacking the DNC and reminds Hillary she has a pedicure at 5pm, must get the dry cleaning picked up, and Bill called.
My parents won’t say which of their five children they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top four.
“I remember when all this was fields” ~ Me, after accidentally clearing a spreadsheet.
In the 1980’s, I invested my life savings in a friend’s cushion making company and now I am very comfortable.
If there isn’t an unauthorised tribute act called ‘Destiny’s Illegitimate Child’, there should be.
Just reading that Italians drink 114 million espressos a year. Amazing. That probably because they’re so fucking lazy.