You should never lend money to friends. For the last 15 years it’s been so stressful, wondering if they’ll track me down and ask for it back.
I’ve been on a semaphore training course since 9 o’clock this morning and now I’m really starting to flag.
Crockpots are perfect for when you are just a wee bit hungry and plan to eat something in about 12 hours or so.
My grandfather would never ever throw anything away. He died during the war holding a hand grenade.
Me: “Am I making you saturated?”
Wife: “I wish I’d never bought you that thesaurus”
TIP: Get more attention from shop staff by asking on arrival “where are your most expensive and yet least secure items?”
Hey, don’t try that new vacuum-based colon cleanse. It sucks ass.
Theresa May is finally given her marching orders.
I’m at Starbucks. I can’t choose between a Crappuccino and a Flat Shite.
I don’t think you can rehabilitate paedophiles or people who board planes late then move other people’s shit around in the overhead compartment.
Nice offer on Amazon: if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they’ll throw in a stand and deliver.
My brother texted me this afternoon to say he was in casualty. I watched the whole episode but no sign of the lying fucker.
News: There will be no extra government funding to cover high-rise cladding issues, Arlene Foster tells reporters from her new Lamborghini.
You mean to tell me that Sarah Huckabee Sanders, daughter of famous cunt, Mike Huckabee, is also a cunt? Get outta town.
Biblical amount of rain here. As in it’s largely fictional but I’ll get very defensive if you challenge me on any of it.
I’m leaving my wife as she has drank the last sachet of drinking chocolate. She left me with no Options.
TIP: Find the money to fix tower blocks by lying them on their side and calling them ‘palaces’.
Ed Sheeran sounds like a rural hairdressers
I have a lot of workplace nicknames: Sport.
Gary’s ‘friend’.
The closer.
Last person to see Gary from Accounting.
My late sister was told to stop eating wheat. But you she ignored the advice, and was run over by a combine harvester.
My grandfather died in an unusual way. He was on a charity walk dedicated to people with no sense of direction. He started at John o’ Groats and walked straight into the sea.
This is awkward. My name is LOL and I’ve been asked to text the wife of my colleague who just dropped dead at work.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
TIP: Recreate the exotic pleasure of Turkish Delight by eating a Glade Plug-In.