TV IDEA: I’m a failed escapologist. Get me out of here.
Lovely day for saying ‘Lovely day for it’, without specifying what ‘it’ is.
I’m looking for a new shop to sell my Cat Swings as the previous one proved to be too small.
I’m watching this movie from behind a cushion. It’s not particularly scary, I’m just really shit at Feng Shui.
“Sô, téll mé, hôw dîd yôu guéss wé cômé frôm Fràncé?”
“It’s the French accent”.
Tottenham can’t sack Tim Sherwood. He’s the only one who knows where Erik Lamela is hidden.
I’ve just invented a new word:
“Plagiarism”
This weather is more patchy than Gabrielle’s tour wardrobe.
My brother’s got fingers in many pies. After the accident with the industrial mincer.
Anticlimax (n.) What my uncle can’t give my mother’s sister. Apparently.
I took the kids to see Walt Disney on ice. It was just an old bloke in a freezer.
I’ve just done four E’s. That was a tough Scrabble hand.
I just bought a thousand raffle tickets for £2.50. Bargain. They’re normally a pound a strip.
My neighbour is loud and obnoxious. I really know how Canada feels.
The recession is affecting everyone. My brother is tightening his belt. But then again he is a heroin addict.
Mate of mine has had a penis extension. Now his house looks fucking ridiculous.
Missing persons list or list of hide and seek champions?
I’ve just turned up at my first Premature Ejaculators’ Support Group meeting. Turns out it’s tomorrow.
I suffer from premature ejaculation which made me feel guilty towards my girlfriend. She suggested I use some cream which reduces the feeling. It’s great because now I don’t give a fuck about her.
I hate it when you kiss a girl and you suddenly notice she’s got her eyes open. You’re like, fuck she’s coming round.
I went to see my doctor this morning about our sexual problems. I took out my penis and said “I think I might be a bit premature”. She said “You certainly are, I’m the receptionist”.
I asked my doctor how I could lose weight. He said “Don’t eat anything fatty”. I said “What, like pies, chips, cake?” He said “No, don’t eat anything fatty”.
I’m not very good at dwarf impressions. Still, hey ho.
I was watching a porn film last night. It was a fat bald man on a sofa wanking and crying. Then I realized I hadn’t turned the telly on.
If you don’t want to know the results of today’s staring contests, look away now.
Look, I don’t want to put words into your mouth, but please help yourself to some more Alphabetti Spaghetti.
I always used to annoy my father changing my mind about my career. He said “You’ll become a nutritionist if you know what’s good for you”.
I just noticed on the Bookie’s window: ‘Open Sunday 11-2’. I think I’ll have a tenner on that. He was open last Sunday.
There’s something about Smelling Salts that I find irresistibly erotic. They also help you to come to.
I’m launching a range of self-flushing toilets called “Cisterns Are Doing It For Themselves”.
My new girlfriend is so horny. She just undressed a salad with her eyes.
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