My uncle Graham was jailed yesterday for his beliefs. He believed he could wank on the bus.
I’ve got an important meeting later and I can tell you now, I won’t be taking any prisoners. That would be insane, and earn me a disciplinary at the very least.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “Because of something my boss said”
Interviewer: “It says here you were fired”
Me: “That’s the thing he said”
Tonight I want stay at home and watch a movie with my girlfriend. Can someone recommend a good girlfriend.
I used to work as a stock person in a restaurant called the Golden Table next to the Paris Stock Exchange. It was packed each lunchtime but empty in the evenings so as the manager told me: “It’s no use stocking the Table d’Or after the Bourse has halted”.
People who pretend to clear their throat before delivering words of wisdom. They can faux cough.
“I Have A Dream” ~ Martin Luther King, choosing his favourite Abba song.
If anyone has a right to be mad at Harry and Meghan it’s the people of Sussex, who have been left leaderless without their Duke and who are now defenseless against incursions from Hampshire and Kent.
Adam Ant: “So how many tickets have we sold?”
Tour Manager: “Five. There’s Stan, Dan, Oliver, your mummy and your wife”
I went to a psychiatrist’s fancy dress party as Gloria Gaynor. At first, I was a Freud…
Steven Tyler is banging on about how I won’t inherit his estate. I’m losing the will to Liv.
I just got your text from last night: No — it’s the red wire you need to cut first to stop the countdown. Not the green one. I repeat – not the green one!
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”.
Q: What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A: I saw my dad again after he said buffalo.
I’ve noticed some blood after I brush. Thinking about going back to using toilet roll truth be told.
After wildlife experts warn the platypus could become extinct unless immediate action is taken, politicians clash over who’ll pick up the enormous bill.
These promoted tweets are really starting to get on my Wickes, it’s got our name on it.
My wife and I can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favourite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favourite restaurant.
Dominic Raab says he’s closely monitoring the coronavirus outbreak in China, but as long as it doesn’t cross the border into Denmark we should be ok.
“I’m never jogging behind a Council van in winter again”, he said through gritted teeth.