I like my steak like I like my pandas. Rare. And 100% panda.
Pink Floyd’s ‘Money’ has earned them a lot of royalties via documentaries about the evils of money. They should write a song about it.
My other Shakespearian heroine is a Portia.
Took my ‘Jehovah’s Witness Inc.’ idea on Dragon’s Den. They all immediately said they were out.
TIP: Convince neighbours you’re an axe murderer by digging up your patio every once in a while and keeping yourself to yourself.
I’m a thief, I can’t help myself. Actually, I CAN help myself.
BREAKING NEWS: Tupac has died again. One of the stage hands tripped over the extension cord.
BREAKING: Bahrain Govt on high alert tonight over fears that Jon Snow could invade.
I’ve invented a completely spherical mug. Drink’s all round!
You can’t truly love someone until you love yourself. That’s why I masturbate before dates.
Learned scholars have long analysed Shakespeare’s texts, most of which were telling his wife he was on the train and did she need milk.
I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shat myself.
This stew tastes bankrupt. Time to send the bay leaves in.
I tried robbing a bank dressed as a camp brown bear. I bungled it.
I realised IKEA had taken the ‘Build your own furniture’ thing too far when I unpacked my new leather sofa and found a cow and a mallet.
I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a wounded leg. The doctor said “Can you describe what happened”. I said “Well, she got shot.” He said “You’ll have to be more accurate.” I said “I know, but I’m not very experienced with guns”.
I was with my girlfriend for a while, and I knew it was the right time to say what I wanted to say to her. So I got down on one knee, looked into her eyes, and said “Look, this is just not going to work out, love. You are too fucking small.”
My doctor knew that I was married. When I went for a check-up, he said “Have you had sex in the last 7 days?” I said “No, my birthday is in January.”
Being a goth isn’t all that bad. At least you don’t have to separate your clothes when doing the washing.
My son seems to be hanging out with too many cooks, spoiling broths. But it’s just a phrase he’s going through.
This morning, I got my head scanned, then they shoved a camera up my arse and took pictures of my bowel movements. I don’t think they like me at Jessops.
“Is your husband in?” My neighbour asked my wife. That’s the last time we invite her for a threesome.
MasterCard is going out of their way to give me credit. I am deeply indebted.
“Hello, I am Britain’s Strongest Man”.”Lovely, I’ll just put you through to our claims department”.
TIP: Before choosing a school for your child, attend a school reunion so you can tell what kind of a wanker they might turn into.
As an email marketer I wear many @’s.
FACT: The phrase “great minds think alike” dates back to 400 BC, when Socrates wrongly accused Plato of stealing his Fight Club gag.
“I make those metal bits that hold up umbrellas”, said a spokesman.
I’ve been sat here for 15 minutes, doing nothing, apart from thinking “I bet I’d make a good bus driver.”
“You can’t make an omelette without breaking some legs” ~ Anger management chef.
“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” My first stand-up set didn’t get great reviews.
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
Someone threw a brick with a note that read “A state of armed conflict; hostile actions” through my window. This means war.
Boat Race disruptor Trenton Oldfield is in court today. I hope they hang him out to dry.
Just been scammed on Ebay. I paid £10 for 100 red top cigarette lighters. Bastard sent me a box of Swan Vestas.
I’ve just started a top restaurant lottery. The chances of winning are gastronomical.
My girlfriend is convinced we need more garden furniture. I’m sitting on the fence.
Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That’ll be the last time my fucking neighbour wakes me up on a Saturday.
If my wife had a thousand pounds for every time I was being a sexist pig, she would still be making less than me.
FACT: More people claim to be comedians, entrepreneurs or life-coaches on Twitter than there are actual people in the entire world.
“After the wedding, the deflowering.” ~ Traditional cleaning firm motto.
Rebecca Romero and Victoria Pendleton have spent so much time on the track together their cycles have synchronised.
Not long now until we hear the immortal phrase “England expects.” Followed by “These players are just not good enough.”
TIP: Pretend you’re Tom Jones by not having the slightest idea what’s going on.
I hate being questioned. Don’t ask me why.
TIP: Pretend you’re taking part in an office revolution by firing your stapler into the air.
My German father-in-law is making sausages out of sea-birds. My wife said he’s taken a tern for the wurst.
TIP: Make wanking more professional by using colleagues’ LinkedIn profiles, rather that their holiday photos on Facebook.
Ok, I have to go, this self-cleaning oven isn’t going to …. oh wait.
One of the pins on my watch broke. The girl at the jeweller’s asked if I wanted to try a new strap on. Bit forward of her.
TIP: A Vodafone 3G contract makes an ideal gift for a friend trying to overcome their smartphone addiction.
Enjoy St George’s Day. It’s the same as St. Patrick’s Day but without any fuss.
Growing up in Liverpool my dad used to hide all his money under his mattress, because nobody would think of looking in the front garden.
The whole town was horrified when they found out that I was shagging my sister. Apparently they don’t like lesbians in Norfolk.
Making love is like running the Marathon. Rhythmic, satisfying, tricky in a rhino outfit.
Just been for a job. He said “The salary is £200 a week, rising to £300 a week in 6 months”. I said “Alright I’ll come back after 6 months”.
UEFA have appointed Cuneyt Cakir to take charge of Barcelona vs Chelsea tomorrow. Shame. Was hoping for a name with comedy potential.
Fergie’s sent the subs out to warm up. Giggs and Hernandez are stretching on the line, Ashley Young’s gone to the 10m board.