A third of Britains still go down on one knee to propose marriage. It’s a pretty meaningless tradition but people are still keen on marriage.
My wife’s going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight. She wants me to do her hair, I’m dreading it.
How in the world could they build a wall between Texas and Mexico. In 15 years they still haven’t finished I-35 between Austin and Waco.
Just read an article saying the cast of ’12 Years A Slave’ cleaned up at the Oscars a few years ago. Disgraceful that people still thought like that in 2014.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks.
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so kmt£ufm/-5cm£:szbv ish&”zn hdu flerf
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: “I need help losing weight, I’ve tried everything”.
Narrator: “He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing”.
Sean Spicer hits backs at critics in the media, saying he didn’t have to put up with this sort of thing when he gave the Gettysburg Address.
So Gordon Kaye is dood. Very sid. I will be grooving at his pissing.
The vicar at my local church has had a terrible accident with a power drill. He’s got the hole whirled in his hand.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY IS BEING SUBVERTED!! Just wait until the hereditary monarch and representative chamber of the nobility hear about this.
TIP: Save money on bottled water by filling a bottle with water.
I can’t believe I’ve been overlooked by the Oscars in the “Fake laugh when being told ‘you can do mine next!’ while washing car” category.
French speakers say they are struggling to translate Trump speeches into their language. See also: English speakers.
TIP: Sausages are a delicious alternative to vegetarian sausages.
Me: “Any chance I can give you some feed back?”
Farmer: “I’m afraid we don’t give refunds”
We shouldn’t criticise Piers Morgan too harshly for typing tweets. At least he’s tapping his own phone this time.
TIP: Convince people you have been assassinated by sneezing with a mouth full of ketchup.
TIP: Help police return lost house keys by attaching a keyring with details of your address and the times you’re usually at home.
Me: “When we go to Egypt shall we go on a camel?”
Wife: “No don’t be stupid, it’ll take ages to get there”.