I just read ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’ to my daughter. I didn’t really.
I’m sorry to hear Liz Hurley and Shane Warne have split. It’s amicable. They’ve agreed to share the publicity equally.
Pretend you’re a tennis superstar at home by signing thirty blank cheques in full kit, with a tea towel around your neck.
My superpower is being able to fold shut half a bag of cashew nuts and not reopen it for over five minutes.
If you can’t say “anything nice”, try remedial speech therapy.
When I was in Rome I went and saw the Spanish Steps. Possibly the most disappointing tribute band I’ve ever seen.
If one of the seven dwarfs gets a nettle sting they rub something on it, usually dock leaves, he’s really squeamish, he hates nettle stings.
FACT: iOS7 makes your phone waterproof! Try it.
Hey! Americans! Good at Grand Theft Auto? Try Grand Theft Manual.
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You can tell a lot about a man by the way he drinks his tall soy caramel latte macchiato.
The woman that just drove past me on the motorway was either doing a massive yawn, or her brakes have failed.
TIP: Pretend to be a GIANT lion tamer by hitting your cat in the face with a chair from a doll’s house.
In a new report it says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to them.
FACT: The word “autumn” is derived from an Anglo-Saxon expression meaning “dog turd hiding under pile of leaves”.
I see this month’s Birth Control magazine comes with a free pull-out.
Godfrey Bloom quits as UKIP MEP just as the Sunderland job becomes available? Bit too much of a coincidence if you ask me.
On the Tube and there’s a guy next to me with an enormous box of cauliflower, turmeric and mustard. He must think he’s on the Piccalilli line.
I’ve had it up to here with army salutes.
Keep being asked to tweet my Twitter abbreviations in a German accent. I mean, VZF?!
The only job I’ve been offered in 2 years is mending a colonic irrigation machine. That sucks ass.
Met my new girlfriend at the zoo. She’s a keeper.
Pretty sure that hotel receptionist was just checking me out.
In America, 2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents. That’s Ludacris.
Someone’s just 1.27 centimetred my joke about cockneys and the metric system.
TIP: Unwind by removing your skinny cream chinos and Hollister top after a long, exhausting day of being an absolute bell end.
Producers say Downton Abbey is going to continue until they get to the birth of Kirsty Allsop.
I actually record the news. Don’t tell me! I’m only up to last Thursday.
My girlfriend called me pretentious tonight. I was so shocked that I almost spat out my Balsamic Glaze.
I’ve just joined the Israeli special forces *Mossad face*
Q: If cars are an extension of a man’s penis why don’t rabbis drive convertibles?
I wonder what percentage of users actually make it on to http://t.co/ZbPgbDHzuP on their first attempt?
If anyone ever forces me at gunpoint to eat my hat, I’ll eat my hat.
If Harry Potter’s made so many hundreds of millions of pounds, how come the cunt can’t afford corrective laser eye surgery?
MUG ME!!! Phew I was starting to think I was never going to think of one.
I just watched a film called ‘Anal Lesbians’. They spent the entire film going through the fridge labelling everything.
Stephen Lee banned from using his snooker cue for 12 years. And the rest.
Can’t talk now. I am at a restaurant repeatedly putting pieces of dead animal inside my face.
Apparently, the condom was invented in the early 1500s, originally made of lamb intestines. In Wales they call that anal.
I never know whether to be angry or impressed when a can of WD40 slips out of my hand.
Sorry I can’t lend you a fiver, money’s too tight @timminchin
I certainly left that 50,000-piece jigsaw in no doubt about the quality of my social life.
FACT: The second most searched word on Google is ‘Pron’.
Morning Lynn Anderson, how’s your new hearing aid?… OH AND HAVE YOU GOT THAT ROSE GARDEN YOU PROMISED ME!?
Always read iTunes t’s and c’s thoroughly. I made the mistake of just clicking ‘accept’ and now I’m President of Tanzania.
Snooker player Stephen Lee banned for 12 years. Or seven games, whichever is longer.
When I was in America I left data roaming on for a bit so does anyone want a kidney or a house?
I sometimes think people won’t take notice of climate change until Ice Cube has disappeared completely.
So a steroid using Italian athlete used a fake penis filled with clean urine to cheat a drugs test. For some reason she got caught.
TIP: Rope makes excellent Dental floss if you’re a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show.
I think if you’d have offered Suarez Man Utd as his first game back, he would have bitten your hand off.
My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife’s face.
It would be nice if the Babestation girl would phone me first every once in a while. I feel like I’m the only one putting effort into this.
I don’t worry about it if I forget to take my antipsychotic pills. After a couple of days Elvis always phones and reminds me.
TIP: Get the feeling that you’ve spent a week in Carlisle by spending an afternoon in Carlisle.
My naked wife just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?