Andrew Mitchell’s parting words to the police were “You haven’t heard the last of this”. Well, that was pretty accurate.
Why are so many of my tweets rhetorical questions?
Our local cinema was robbed last night of £754. The thieves took a bag of Maltesers, a pick ‘n mix and a large Coke.
Andrew Mitchell would have made a better impression if he had turned up on a space hopper.
If John Terry cranes his neck and listens very carefully, he’ll hear the sound of millions of England fans not giving a shit.
Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
The Pope walks into a Mosque. The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
I’m so skint I can’t afford anything for my incontinence. I may need to borrow a Tena until payday.
Glad to hear the government is setting up another bank. I hate it when there aren’t enough banks.
So Kanye West has a sex tape now? I bet he gives a better blow job than Tulisa.
TIP: Fool friends into thinking you hang out with celebs by adding a name drop to the end of your messages. Sent from Chico’s iPad.
Just reading that apparently you can tell the sex of a horse just by looking at its teeth. Or you can just check to see if it’s got a monster cock.
My day is already long and frustrating so I’m just popping out to swear at a policeman.
TIP: Burglars. Travel everywhere with a film crew, so people will think you’re filming a Crimewatch re-enactment.
I bought my son a puppy but I accidentally killed him with my car as I reversed. Oh well, I’ll have to look after the puppy myself now.
All my life I wanted to learn how to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it though.
I said “Doctor. I can’t pronounce
my Fs, Hs or Ts”. He said “You can’t say fairer than that then. Also, you’ve had a stroke”.
Women think men love younger women because of their perky breasts and firm body. In reality it’s because they haven’t mastered bitching yet.
Abu Hamza could be extradited within weeks, unless he makes a full apology and then we can draw a line under it.
After I’d had sex with my girlfriend and lit a cigarette, I felt very guilty. I promised my wife I’d never smoke again.
Don’t believe half the things you read on twitter. For example, that should be 43.6%.
I told my boss I was handing in my gun and badge today. “Fucking hell,” he said “you’re only a security guard, why the hell have you got a gun?”
Any cooks out there? How long am I supposed to age food in the fridge before I throw it out?
Don’t cha wish your grammar was shite like mine?
I once went out with a woman who worked in an abattoir. She was a stunner.
Brilliant decision by Fergie to rotate Howard Webb and play Mark Halsey.