Despite accusations of appropriating Native American culture, I’m putting on a brave face.
FACT: Jerry Lee Lewis penned his biggest hit after spending a night of passion with former Rugby League winger Martin Offiah.
“You hang up first…no you…no you hang up first…no you…” *finally hangs up*
“Shit. I forgot the garlic bread”
I lost my numbered ticket in this hospital waiting room and the receptionist just tore me a new one.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say ‘no’. You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary.
Me [first date]: “Let’s take things slow”
Me [second date]: “When we die we should get buried in the same coffin”
I had to dress up in Sports Direct clothing for works charity. Felt like a huge mug.
My favourite thing about motorway driving is when a lorry overtakes another lorry for 15 miles.
I keep a cricket bat next to my pillow, just in case my estranged father returns home and wants some bonding time in the garden.
Everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes.
NEWS: Jeremy Hunt announces new plan to reduce burden on NHS by asking Daniel Sturridge to retire.
I’m not saying Pancake Day is over-commercialised, but eggs, flour and milk have been in the shops for months.
TIP: Fussy Eaters. A fried egg makes an ideal gluten and lactose free pancake.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.
Breaking: Scientists announce that pancakes are a simple mixture of basic ingredients and advise everyone to get a fucking grip.
I’m making Heston Blumenthal’s pancake recipe. I’ve mixed the dodo egg and ambrosia, now to launch the batter into orbit for a few hours.
People say I’m unimaginative, but I say to them ‘No, you’re unimaginative’.
Big day for me tomorrow. I’m the guy who trains waiters to arrive with a huge, phallic pepper grinder at the most awkward moment of a date.
Inventor of Glue: “I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff” Tim: “Dude…is everything okay at home?”
If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.
Mum, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer. Plus, I’m 35.
A man was killed today after jumping on his nemesis from a twenty storey building. He was pronounced dead on a rival
Denzel Washington is one cop role away from a police pension.