I said to my son “When you grow up, I really want you to buy a plot of land and build a shopping centre and a cinema on it”. My wife said “Will you please stop that, you’ll get him developing a complex!”
I’ve been voted British Fireman of the year three years running. (Just putting that out there)
[speed-dating]
Me: “So, are you into anal?”
Her: “Sorry, what?!”
Me: *writes ‘bad listener’ in notebook*
Me: “What’s the best way to get fit and in shape?”
Doctor: “Diet and exercise”
Me: “What’s the next best?”
The inventor of the Thesaurus has died. Repose in tranquility.
I’ve just been told by my doctor that I’ve got a rare disorder called ‘Third Party Kleptomania’. I didn’t take it personally.
I’ve just been informed that my services won’t be required at the bingo hall anymore. To be fair, I was just making up the numbers.
The guy in Kwikfit said I’d never be able to stop the car with those worn out disk pads. I said “Give me a brake”.
Listening to the snooker pundits. Apparently Mark Selby’s been playing with the heart of a lion. That’s surely going to get him banned.
I just saw a monkey with a banana in one hand and a tin opener in the other. I said to the zookeeper “You’ve don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana”. The monkey said “I know, it’s for the custard”.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL” ~ my dad, giving me a DIY lesson
Making my fifth visit to my wife’s family in Chernobyl. I know it like the hand on my back.
“My Spanish penfriend is in a Kajagoogoo tribute band”
“Are they good?”
“Yes, they’re excellent. Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Limahl”
“I once played snooker with Steve Buscemi from Reservoir dogs” “Mr Pink?”
“Yes, and every other ball, I was terrible”
I’m in a good place right now. I’d better leave before the owners get home.
My girlfriend’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”.
A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”.
Every single morning I’m woken at 6am by my wife painting the walls in a ‘Silvery Beagle’ coloured emulsion. It’s like Hound Dog Grey round here.
There’s a guy works down the hip shop, sells a pelvis.
A homophone isn’t what I thought it was and I’d like to apologise to everyone at BT for my groundless accusations.
My local Indian restaurant has a sea-bird curry called “The Smiths”. It’s gull fried in a korma.
I saw a sign in a shop window that said ‘Watch batteries fitted £5’. I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”