My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me. At least that’s one thing she’s got in common with my wife.
Hey, DonaldTrump you haven’t tweeted in a day. I really do hope something’s wrong.
Nobody puts bayleaf in a korma.
Wikipedia: ‘Please give us $3 to maintain mankind’s biggest database of information’ “No, fuck you”
Starbucks: ‘Give us £3 for a coffee’
“Sure, no problem”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’m so middle class when I was in high school, I got beat up for my brunch money.
Me: “I want the car’s brake lines to rust”
Scientist: “I’m listening”
Me: [slides over envelope full of cash] “But make it look like an oxidant”
LIFE HACK: Use ellipsis in your texts to make yourself seem mysterious, e.g. I just went out to get some… milk.
Kids have it easy these days. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling that they wanted sex with me through a megaphone.
My boss is a really good listener. As long as you’re talking about him.
My mum was a biology teacher. My dad, a physics teacher. I’m surprised they’ve stayed together so long. There’s no chemistry.
“8 out of 10 people don’t know a synonym for flooding”
“Freak waters?”
“No, that’s four-fifths”
My habit of running up behind girls with pony tails and pulling the elastic tighter has certainly raised a few eyebrows.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie. Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends ever answer their fucking phones.
“This is the best thing since sliced bread” ~ the first person to ever use toilet paper.
73% of my friends think I should stop conducting surveys.
TIP: Currants impaled on toothpicks and displayed in the window, serve as a warning to would-be house flies.
News: North Korea missile test fails. Or, according to Kim Jong-Un, successful test launch of new super-short range missile.
As argument over shot gorilla continues, Donald Trump claims if the gorilla had been carrying a gun it would never have happened.
Show Business Fact: Comedy legend Frank Carson died of exhaustion following a visit to a Jacob’s factory.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. In fact, even if it is broke, don’t fix it. You’ll only make it worse.