My grandfather used to race pigeons. He never won though. They were far too fast. We eventually put him in a home, the mental old bastard.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
It can be nerve-wracking trying to use someone else’s microwave. Especially if you’re not even supposed to be in their house.
A shower can really change things. I got in tired and fed up with life, but when I finished I was tired and fed up with life with a refreshing minty fragrance.
DOCTOR: “If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting”. ME: “I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news”.
Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: “I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright Brothers could only stay airborne for 12 seconds”.
My wife said “My gynecologist recognised me today in Sainsbury’s”. I said “You need to start wearing longer skirts”.
Call me old fashioned but I still enjoy robbing stagecoaches.
Next generation Monopoly pieces:
– Croc
– Fedora
– Prius
– iPhone
– Starbucks cup
– A thimble because we’ve made very little progress in that area
[1st date]
“So, what’s your back story?”
“I have scoliosis”
“No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history”
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
HIGH SEAS COP: “Do you know why I pulled your ship over?”
PIRATE: *notices his swash isn’t buckled* “Oh, shit”
Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread.
[at Relate]
Him: “She says talking to me is like talking to a child” Counsellor: “And how many years has this been going on?” Him: *holds up 6 fingers* “This many”
Judge: “And how does the defendant plead?”
Lawyer: “Like this your honour *makes whiny voice *’nooo I didn’t do any crimes’*” Judge: “HAH do it again”
TIP: Event Organisers. With Easter coming up, remember that “eggs” can be used as a clever alternative for the “ex-” prefix.
Remember kids, you may think drugs are “cool” but the truth is, only certain ones are.
[boss calls me into office]
“Do you know why I’ve called you in here?”
[me into megaphone] “IS IT ABOUT THE MEGAPHONE?”
“You’ve made me an offer I’m going to refuse” ~ Veto Corleone.