Genie: “That’s definitely your last wish?”
Me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “Yes”
Genie: “Ok”
Our dog: “How can I talk all of a sudden?”
I hit the gym so hard this morning. Sorry not gym, snooze button.
My copy Chinese Viagra trial has proved inconclusive. There were signs of success, but nothing you could hang your hat on.
Reporter: “How do you think you did at last night’s debate?”
Trump: “I wasn’t there”
Reporter: “I’m pretty sure you were”
Trump: “Wrong!”
Maybe now that Tom Jones is rejoining The Voice, he can finally conquer his shyness and tell the story of how he knew Elvis.
I haven’t slept for four days. Because that would just be too long.
I let everyone know that I make all the important decisions in the marriage. And my wife lets me know which decisions are important.
The there is no ‘i’ in anxiety attack …oh wait …there is …oh shit oh shit oh shit..”
“Is this… a date … it feels like a ..”
* She gets out of the elevator
I’ve got a full and active sex life. Now I’m just looking for a partner.
“I like Trump because I’m sick of political correctness” translates to “I wish I could say nigger in public, not just among friends”.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” and we were scared they’d hit us, but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Dating is the process of having dinner with lots of new people until you find one who lets you just eat while you both stare at your phones.
Ladies, if you’re looking for a way to get guys to leave you alone while you’re walking down the street, just start carrying a clipboard.
I get the criticism that Hillary Clinton was over prepared. I was just telling my surgeon that the other day.
The shift key doesn’t seem to be working on the third letter of the top row of my keyboard. Ah well, no biggie.
[First date]
“How long did you work in the diplomatic service?”
“About two days. If it’s any of your fucking business”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is ‘insecurity'”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
*tears running down cheek* “I don’t think I can”
I’ve just seen the funniest thing. Someone wrote ‘Clean me’ on a van, but get this – they wrote it IN THE DIRT. Absolutely brilliant.
I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis.
I’m so sick of being the guy people come to when they want the money I owe them.
TIP: Convince friends you work for Aldi by throwing food at them.
A day without coffee is like an amusing analogy I’ll think of when I’ve had some coffee.
This is going to be the worst winter ever, for inaccurate weather predictions.