You know you’ve found ‘The One’, when they don’t mind if you fart in front of them. None of the people in this lift are ‘The One.’
I agree when women say a bit of lippy and a nice dress can be incredibly sexy. Other commuters on this train can’t take their eyes off me.
Any upsides to living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
She’s slightly deaf, that’s why mum’s gone to Ireland.
I’ve let my pub quiz team down. I couldn’t name a Ronnie Corbett sitcom. I just want to say sorry.
“Patriotism is the last refuge of the badass motherfucker.” ~ Samuel L Johnson.
Everyone who criticises my speech-to-text software can for coughs.
Got hit by a bouncer last night outside a club in London. Seriously, who plays cricket at 2.45am?
“Well your test results are back. I suggest you start taking stock”. ”
“Is it that bad doctor?”
“No, but you are Bisto deficient”.
Bought a new cartridge for my 3D printer, which was a bit stupid. I should have just printed one.
It makes me so nervous when I smuggle drugs through customs. (I’ve shit and weed in my pants).
I’m sweating like a colour blind electrician wiring a switch.
Just reading about that extortionate drinks bill. You’ll never see me buying Evian, I’m not stupid, it’s naive backwards. I buy the slightly cheaper Tnucyllis instead, I think it’s Greek.
Holding my first etiquette class this evening. Hope I don’t fuck it up.
Text a random phone number the following message: “The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My girlfriend always claims she has a headache when we’re in bed, so I keep a tablet in the drawer. I can access all the porn I want on it.
I don’t believe in labelling people or putting them in boxes. Which is why I lost my job at the morgue.
FACT: Over a third of police budgets in the 1970s went to reimbursing market traders whose fruit ‘n veg stalls were knocked over during car chases.
Watching the Commonwealth Games. Mark Foster looks the type that would urge people to buy a juicer at dinner parties.
That South African Ebola might seem brutal but it’s yet to come up against the Australian Ebatsman.
At school I had the nickname ‘Slugger’. I wasn’t hard or anything, I just used to pull the shells off snails.
TIP: Dads. Piccadilly Circus is likely to be considerably busier than 2 or 3 people coming into a room.
TIP: Make people think they are stronger than they are by farting when they hug you.
Is that Cash4Gold any good? I’m thinking about giving them a ring.
Do I like science, girl? Just thinking about particle accelerators gives me a hadron.
Been on trains all day. I was sweating like a fire eater with hiccups.