Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: [in a posh restaurant] “Excuse me waiter, my date has spilled her water” Waiter: “That’s no problem sir, I’ll get you another one”
Me: “That’s great thanks, but make can you make sure she sucks cock”.
I just ended a five-year relationship. Thankfully it wasn’t mine.
Just overheard at my gym: “There’s that fucking loser who eats Ben & Jerry’s ice cream while he’s riding the exercise bike. I think he’s listening to our conversation”.
My internet was down yesterday so I chatted to my wife for a change, and was surprised to learn that she didn’t work for Woolworths any more.
I had a weird call from a complete stranger last night. He said he wanted to meet me in the woods and show him my cock. Fucking weirdo never showed up.
Writing Tip: If you want to be a writer, research is vital. First, research how much most writers earn.
TIP: Keep the spice alive in your relationship by leaving a trail of rose petals that lead to the rubbish bag that needs to be taken out.
If you want to slow a seabird down you’re going to have to weight your tern.
I warned my sister to be careful with her spelling when she put up her dating profile online. She wouldn’t listen. Anyway, she’s got a date tonight with an old Estonian.
TIP: Guys. Liven up your day by accidentally texting the wife: “Simon, we’ll have a proper Valentine’s next year. I promise”.
WARNING: If you’re thinking of giving your partner home-made ‘sex vouchers’ as a cheeky Valentine’s present, my ex wife’s personal trainer redeems them.
My favourite part of Countdown is the conundrum. I also enjoy the numbers round I hasten to add.
Me: [at job interview] “Sorry I’m a day late. I went to the wrong address then went home again” Interviewer at DPD: “You’re hired”
Just found £10 in the back pocket of a pair of trousers, third time this week! People in this changing room should really keep a closer eye on their stuff.
I didn’t win the GBBO competition, but I know it’s not the winning, it’s the baking tart that counts.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze one on the fish that some other guy gave you.
CAPRICORN: Someone will try to exploit you for their own financial gain. To find out more call my psychic hotline (£3.53/min)
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.