Sadly, I didn’t manage to finish the marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I forgot to go to my Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting today. I bet it’s early on-set Alzheimers.
Hey girl, are you a bicycle? Coz I’ve been diagnosed with congenital visual agnosia.
Me: “When my nanna died we named a horse after her”
Wife: “Did she like horses?”
Me: “No, she loved to shit in the street”
Wish me luck at the marathon this weekend. I managed 3 hours and 9 minutes last year. This year I’ll try and beat that but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
Doctor: “The bad news is you’re dying”
Me: “So there’s good news?”
Doctor: “I’m launching my boat this weekend”
Me: …
Doctor: “Supposed to be nice out”
90% of being a freelancer is asking total strangers to watch your laptop so you can go for a piss.
[bedroom]
Wife: “Harder! I’m nearly there”
Me: “I’m stretching the bed sheet as much as I can”
I have a confession to make. I masturbate in the shower. It feels good to come clean.
Some bad injury news for me at the marathon today. One hour and 55 minutes in, I rolled off the couch and tore my calf muscle.
I pretty much never return missed calls because I figure, if it’s genuinely important, they’ve probably got the wrong person.
The man who invented pretentious colours has died. Mauve he rust in puce.
How many idiots does it take to hammer in a light bulb?
Welcome to the Alzheimer’s Information Website. Please enter your 19 digit password.
TIP: Torment pessimists by topping up their glass while their backs are turned.
News: Possible cure found for Dyslexia. A spokesman said “Finally, there’s light at the end of the toenail”.
I watched the new Avengers film in 3D, it was amazing. Especially the end credit scene when the guy dressed as an usher told me to fuck off.
My friends jump off cliffs a lot less than my parents suggested they would.
My favourite childhood memory would have to be not paying for anything.
TIP: Recreate the thrill of the dodgems by strapping a fishing rod to a Micra and driving the wrong way round the M25.
I went for an interview today for a zero-hours job. The interviewer said “How flexible are you?” I said “Well at a push I can suck my own cock.”
If you want to slow a seabird down you’re going to have to weight your tern.
My mum says if I make a common return path for an electrical current I’m grounded.