Some people say that a slight bow is the best way to indicate assent, and I’m inclined to agree.
Pope latest: His Holiness has deleted all his work emails and left his “Out of Vatican” on.
Diabetes is just another way of saying “I became such a fat bastard I can no longer be trusted with sugar”.
I went to an exhibition of Native American lacquer work today and brought a little bit back to remind me. It was a Sioux veneer.
Today’s supply pope has leather elbows on his vestments. Some of the cardinals sat at the back are talking and throwing balls of paper.
I bet Pope Benedict is dreading the Davina interview.
On this day in 1991 President George Bush announces the end of the Gulf War, once and for all bringing peace to the Middle East.
My ears are burning. I assume someone is talking about my head being on fire.
A long, firm, meaty, thick, battered sausage is a good example of deep Freud food.
Ride of the Valkyries blasting out in the chopper. I love the smell of Communion wine in the morning. LOL! #popesfinaltweet
No prizes for guessing who the winner of February’s ‘Prizeless Guess the Winner Competition’ was.
“The Pope will spend the rest of his life in the Vatican avoiding the public”. Surely they mean “the police”?
They say when a dog starts shitting in the house, it’s on it’s way out and should be put down. Two days I had that puppy.
Why do so many animals choose to sleep at the side of busy roads?
I went to an orgy once. It was a good night, all in all.
Something’s telling me I shouldn’t have worn my diving suit to work today. I think it’s my boss, but it’s hard to tell through this mask.
Harry Redknapp spotted driving his Range Rover round and round St Peter’s Square with his arm out the window repeatedly saying ‘No comment’.
Current relationship status: booking flights just to get frisked at the airport.
Brendan Rogers claims Raheem Sterling has ‘lost his zip’. That may explain the 3 kids by 2 women.
So Oscar Pistorius’ girlfriend was pregnant when he killed her. He’s blown his only chance of hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet.
My dad did the best Elvis impression ever tonight! I’ve just found him dead in the toilet.
In keeping with family tradition, actor Joseph Fiennes’ forename is actually pronounced Geoff.
What is the actual scientific name for holy water? Water.
“If you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise…” Your favourite childhood picnic area is now a dogging hotspot.
Today was embarrassing. The whole office found out about my secret work crush. My desk drawer collapsed, and fifty cans of Lilt spilled out.
Just tried a red wine called ‘Pi’. It’s a complex little number.
Food contamination scandal hits the church. Communion wafers found to contain 0% Christ.
Fuck me, at this rate by the end of the week Nick Clegg will reveal that he actually IS Lord Rennard.
What’s green, smelly and oozes out of a man’s penis? I’m not sure either but I do hope it’s not life threatening.
Tried a sex position with the wife last night that was so uncomfortable for me, I couldn’t maintain my erection. Facing her.
I’m so hungry, I could eat a tedious food contamination joke.
“Why does everything have to be about you?” ~ Terrible biographer.
My friend’s Rottweiler’s on heat. Which is annoying because I want to read the gossip page.
Phil Collins has just sent me a short, three word text to tell me I don’t need to do him a baked potato tonight.
Being told there’s a book called The Most Cynical Man In The World, but I’m not buying it.
I can’t believe my mate was disrespecting my mother-in-law at her funeral this morning. He’s lucky I wasn’t there.
Yesterday’s christening had to be cancelled when somebody (who shall remain nameless) didn’t show up.