I like that Chris Rea song about driving home to spend Christmas with your family. Road To Hell.
Me: *gently touches my wife’s coffin* “If I could change this I would” Wife: “It’s certainly your worst fucking birthday present yet”
Bored? Need a new hobby? I’ve got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.
The ladies call me Nemesis. Because I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
If it’s rectal jokes you’re after I’ve got piles.
We call the landlord of our local ‘Bright Eyes’. It’s nothing to do with his appearance, it’s because he likes to water shit down.
I’ve just sold the monitor from our running machine. My wife’s not very happy. She had her heart set on it.
TIP: Recreate a lockdown Black Friday at home by pushing a member of your household over when they pick up the remote.
“I’ve just had a marathon sex session with a woman who was turned on because I was wearing that aftershave that Johnny Depp advertises” “Sauvage?”
“She probably has after what I’ve just done to her”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Me: “If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house” Friend: “Why?”
Me: “That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene” Friend: *backing away slowly* “Sounds well thought out”
BBC News: ‘Bad drivers to face £100 fines’.
Seems a bit sexist?
The pandemic has ruined this year’s exposés of terrible Christmas wonderland theme parks.
The collective noun for a group of bankers is actually a ‘Wunch’.
Avalanche: What Gino D’acampo does before afternoon skiing so he doesn’t get hungry.
I declined an invite to dinner at my barber’s house. He told me he’s serving turkey with “all the trimmings”.
Black Friday special. Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards.
I don’t like to brag but I had sex with a Playboy Centrefold. I got a paper cut on my cock.
Be careful what you buy from Amazon on Black Friday. Last year I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a ‘Two Ronnies’ DVD.
“I’m thinking of selling takeaway protein shakes”
“Whey to go”
“Thanks, but don’t congratulate me yet. It’s just an idea at the moment”
“So, what do you do?”
“I rent out huge venues in order to have several female pre-wedding parties all socialise together, but had no takers yet” “Struggling to make hens meet?”
“No, I have savings”