The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My wife keeps banging on about me not praying enough extension to her. Whatever the fuck that means.
Paedophiles are a lot like t-shirts, in that my mum always says hanging’s too good for them.
I run an Assertiveness Training course for ten years and no one ever complained, so I was either brilliant or rubbish.
I used to have a longstanding phobia that I was being followed by a clown. It’s only now I can look back and laugh.
Me: “Is there anything that can be done?”
Doctor: “Yeah, you need to quit drinking and loose 50lbs”
Me: “Just as I had feared, it‘s terminal”
I can only ever remember two or three different Motown acts, maybe four tops. Oh, there’s another one, I’m better at this than I thought.
“I bought my wife an electric guitar for her birthday”
“A fender?”
“A bit yeah, she wanted a necklace”
Whoever invented how to pronounce the word ‘macabre’ did a good jabre.
You know who I feel for? People in the dark.
I just accidentally clicked ‘Sort by Price: High to Low’ like some kind of child emperor.
Just heard a news story about an old farm in Wales where they haven’t had running water for two years. I sent them a Get Well Soon card.
I spent a long weekend with the wife last week. I say long weekend, it was Friday afternoon but it fucking felt like a long weekend.
Me: “I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery” Cop: “Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness”
Me: “Mate I’m telling everyone”
“Well the dancing turned out to be an excellent idea” ~ nobody ever in the history of politics.
I’ve just been voted the world’s worst bird impersonator. Frankly, I couldn’t give two hoots.
My wife doesn’t have a safe word. She has safe paragraphs.
Q: “How many immature people does it take to change a lightbulb?” A: “Your mum”
Girl: “You look exactly like Jon Bon Jovi”
Me: “Wow thanks”
Girl: “—if he was fat”
Me: “Oh”
Girl: “—and poor”
Me: “Look can you just finish this lap dance without talking?”
I’ve just mushed up a load of Frosties and milk into a paste and used it to fill the gaps between my tiles. They’re grrrrrrrout!
“Oh my god, the pin came out of this live grenade!” yells the party host. “We need something small enough to fit in the hole, or we’ll all die!” My wife nudges my arm, smirking. Now’s not the time, Brenda.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Her: “Why are you breaking up with me?”
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* “I’ll take questions at the end Sarah”