TIP: Are you a fame hungry rich couple with absolutely no interest in moving house? Apply to ‘Escape To The Country’.
Serena? That’s nothing. My wife rowed across the Atlantic while 2 months pregnant. In fact she started rowing in the taxi to the airport.
Me: “Wanna try tantrum sex?”
Wife: “You mean ‘tantric’?”
Me: *stomps feet* “Fine! We’ll do it your way!”
Old superstition: When wife laughs at your jokes, it means you have guests in the house.
Enjoyed that breakfast, while drinking tea from our rare, tiny Chinese vessels (c.1480) with pithy inscriptions: wry Ming cuplets.
The man sat opposite me on this train has discovered the secret of happiness. Sadly it appears to be an inch up his nose.
Experts believe Serena Williams will have a baby boy, as women are from Venus.
There should be less grammar schools.
I was going to make a joke about Homeopathy Awareness Week, but it didn’t work.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
United Airlines statement: “In our eyes the customer is king”
“Yeah, fucking Rodney King”
It’s worked. Theresa May has united the country. Everyone is totally horrified by the prospect of a general election.
Can we please have a referendum on whether we’re having too many elections?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Sometimes I talk about my pain to hide the jokes that I am feeling inside.
The Murdochs had no choice but to fire Bill O’Reilly in the wake of disturbing revelations about his show’s profitability.
Erm, Serena Williams, no offence but Roger Federer won Wimbledon the same month his twins were born so excuse me if I’m not impressed.
Two grand for a pair of binoculars? Those fuckers must have seen me coming a mile off.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m still married to my future ex-wife.
I rolled into work fifteen minutes late this morning. I should probably try walking in tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers with Bill O’Reilly at this difficult time.
(Thoughts: ha ha ha ha ha)
(Prayers: must stop laughing soon, work to do)
First there was Alex Salmond, and now Nicola Sturgeon. If your name’s Barry Haddock you may want to consider getting into Scottish politics.
Dear Donald Trump,
You’re eerily silent about the shooting at San Bernardino elementary school. NRA took your phone?
Signed,
America