My prostate exam seemed to be going great until the doctor uttered those words I dreaded to hear. “Ok. My turn now”.
My great gran was told today she’s too old to get a facelift. You should’ve seen the look on her neck.
They said it was impossible to cross a poodle with a dodo. It turned out to be a doddle.
Cross tattoo? You must be so religious.
Billie Jean is not my lover. She’s my mixed doubles partner.
I wonder how old Jenna Jameson’s twin boys will be when they realise they weren’t the first two guys in her at the same time.
Today I’ve been out on the high street conducting a survey on ‘phrases people like to use’. ‘Fuck off’ was a very popular choice.
I am now available to all rolling news outlets and social media sites for instant uninformed opinion on any subject.
I have recently downgraded my plans for this time next year from “millionaire” to “not homeless”.
Calling yourself a lifelong fan is a nice way of admitting you’ve never grown out of your childhood obsessions.
Wayne Rooney’s newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father. Thick and difficult to work with.
No spoliers. I’m only on the 5th Fast and the Furious book.
Here are the latest odds on Tony Pulis’ next Managerial role: Everton, 10/1
QPR, 20/1
Man City, 200/1
London Irish, 1/3
For fucks sake Wayne, if your name is Rooney and you have a baby you name it Kanga, it’s that simple.
I used to practice gynaecology full-time. Now I only do the odd private job. Just to keep my hand in.
For years my Dad has said that my girlfriend is a gold digger. I just ignored him. I know for a fact that she works in IT.
News: A man who took an airline company to court after his baggage went missing has lost his case.
Why do Jews love bagels so much? They’re cheaper than a sex doll.
David Cameron says gay people will “stand that bit taller” after Equal Marriage is passed by the Commons. Tom Cruise will be pleased.
BBC iPlayer support says I need a ‘UK IP Address’. Do they mean somewhere in Luton?
David Bowie pays tribute to Spiders From Mars bassist Trevor Bolder – “he was my rock”.
TIP: Become the 8th longest serving Premier League manager by getting a top flight job and hiding in the toilets for 6 weeks.
“Just seen a couple having sex on the common”. “Clapham?” “No, I don’t think they needed any encouragement”.
I’ve woken up looking like an X-Factor contestant who just found out his family were lying when they said he could sing.
Apple warn that if these questions about their tax don’t stop they’ll make their iPhone charger cords even shorter.
If a woman asks you a question, choose what you say very carefully. Chances are, she already knows the answer.
TIP: Trick work colleagues into thinking that you’ve had an affair by cutting the arms off all your suits.
“Weeell bless my soul what’s wrong with me? I’m itching like a man on a fuzzy tree”. “It’s thrush, now stop gyrating and get out of my surgery”.
BREAKING: Scientists confirm that cupcakes are just pieces of cake in a cup, and advise everyone to grow the fuck up.
What if Victoria’s Secret is anorexia?
I don’t know much about anatomy, but I’m fairly sure that all three of my testicles should be the same size.
I’m at the front of the queue for Paranoids Anonymous. Everyone else is after me.
Doctors express concern over the health of independent MP Eric Joyce after police reveal it’s been 3 days since he was involved in a fight.
Just so you know, kissing someone mid-sentence works better in films than when a bus conductor is asking why you don’t have a valid ticket.
HEALTH & SAFETY NOTICE: It is not advisable to walk 1,000 miles to see a lover. The Proclaimers were irresponsible to suggest otherwise.
Setting your watch five minutes fast is a cool way to make unnecessary arithmetic a regular part of your day.
I’m putting on my top hat,
Tying up my white tie,
Looking like a twat.
Confucius say “I’m sick and tired of people quoting me in a racist accent”.
If you could have a superpower that you were only able to use for one day, what would it be? Mine would be China.
I really want this coke, but I don’t want the girl on the counter to think I’m called Keith.
FACT: The earliest form of lie detector used by the police was a buttercup held firmly under the chin. It was somewhat limited in its use.
“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” ~ Mexican restaurants.
My boss says we need a perfect day today, so I’m off to drink sangria in the park, then I’m going to the zoo. Later, a movie too. Then home.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Stoke City are looking for Tony Pulis’ replacement. Dutch manager Jus Hoofdeball is currently favourite.
When my first daughter was born everything went well. With my second daughter however, there were massive complications. My wife found out.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Alternatively, trying doing something you fucking CAN do.