I’ve just called my financial adviser. I said “I’m just calling about the £100,000 I invested recently, I’ve not received any paperwork yet and I was just wondering where you were with it at the moment?” He said “Spain”.
I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’”. She said “Ok, what are they?”
My doctor didn’t tell me he was going to try to cure my migraine with acupuncture. Prick.
In an act of defiant irony my broken Dyson just sits there in the corner, gathering dust.
Don’t talk to me about unemployment. I come from a tiny fishing village in Derbyshire.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! WHERE’S THE LID FOR MY BIRO? Sorry about that, I’ve just got all this pen top frustration at the moment.
A guy just came up to me and said “Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry”. I said “Do me a favour, that is very annoying”. He said “Well I can only apologise”.
My next door neighbour is training to be a weightlifter. I saw her snatch this morning. Very impressive.
I hate those people who bang on your door and shout how you need to be saved or you’ll burn. Bloody firemen.
My best mate says I’m impulsive. What does he know? He only met me yesterday.
The wife said to me earlier “Do you ever think about me naked?” I said “Of course I do”. She said “Totally!?” I said “Apart from the tag on your toe.”
My wife asked me to go to the doctors about my erection problem. She wasn’t pleased when I came back with slimming pills. For her.
My friend asked me to write his biography. I thought the ending was a bit weak. So I shot him.
Looking round detached houses later – I’m very excited. (I’ve already got a semi.)
I’ve joined the Territorial Army. Just this morning the officer said “I didn’t see you at camouflage training today”. I said “Thank you sir”.
TIP: Convince visitors you’ve won the Euromillions Lottery by putting your heating on.
I unveiled my electric teaspoon at the Ideal Homes Exhibition. It caused quite a stir.
TIP: Make sure you don’t read too many ebooks for work and leisure, day and night. You’ll end up burning the Kindle at both ends.
Don’t read the book ‘Untruths about Suggs’. That way Madness lies.
I called Direct Line today and said “Can you give me a competitive quote”. The guy said “How about ‘We will fight them on the beaches’?”
Getting some very odd looks at work. Dad says “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have”. I want to be an astronaut.