Sitting here, listening to a Fidel Castro album and just about holding it together.
I got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince today. It’s nice when international tribute acts take the time to drop you a line.
I’m not watching I’m A Celebrity. If I want to watch a load of bellends eating bollocks and eyeballs, I’ll go and stand outside a Greggs.
Do you remember when corduroy balaclavas were making all the headlines?
If it wasn’t for LinkedIn we might never know that people we haven’t seen since 2002 just celebrated three years in a job we didn’t know they had.
I love the smell of chlorof
“Talk to the anus” ~ cats.
I came second in a Fidel Castro look-alike competition. Close, but no cigar.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’.
I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called my phone. I don’t use it for that.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Here lies Aunty Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Black Friday trying to save £7 on a Crockpot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
TIP: When people throw coins into the shopping mall fountain, blurt out your own wish. It will override theirs and that’s how you get free wishes.
Do I try too hard to impress my Muso credentials upon you? Asking for my friend Stephen Malkmus, formerly of Lo Fi legends, Pavement.
Trumpers getting upset about Hillary’s team joining the recount effort, saying, “FFS! Russia elected Donald Trump fair and square!”
I’d like the man who stole my imported Viagra to know that there are no hard feelings.
Here’s a fun game:
1. Think of something so ridiculous even Trump wouldn’t say it
2. Check the news
3. Sorry, you lose
During the war, my grandfather served as the regimental Christmas tree. He didn’t see much action but he was highly decorated.
I’ve got a closet full of clothes I can’t get into, but I’m doing something about it. I’m having the door widened.
Are Nice biscuits pronounced nice or nice? I always pronounce it nice but my wife insists that it’s nice.
Theresa May can pry my unconventional pornography from my cold dead anus.
Any mat can be a yoga mat if you roll it up, set it in the corner and never touch it again.
If you’re having AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I’ve got 99 parabolas but s butch saint omg.
It’s weird that any breakfast calories you consume airport while travelling very early don’t count. Science is amazing.