My mate’s started dating a cinematographer. Be interesting to see how that one pans out.
Whitney Houston’s daughter is marrying her adopted brother! Her father Bobby Brown commented “Got any rock?! I’ll suck your dick for $10”.
If it carries on like this I might have to turn the heating off.
‘Animals Do The Funniest Things’ sent my video back with a note asking me to seek help.
I’ll always remember what my late Grandad said to me. He said ‘Sorry I’m late’.
Another day has passed and I did not use Algebra once.
My book on Freudian slips looks like becoming an enormous tit.
Ned Kelly, koala bears, Skippy, ironic immigration policy, saying stuff like it’s a question?, your boys took a narrow beating.
That awkward moment when George Zimmerman’s brother says the family fears vigilantes who might try to take the law into their own hands.
My mother in law wanted her funeral to be a celebration of her life. Apparently, the conga I started was inappropriate.
As I tossed my empty coke can onto the pavement, the man walking behind me said “Any need for that?” I said “No mate, you can have it.”
Q: If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have ONE Coldplay album, would you use it as a frisbee or snap it and slit your wrists.
“Sorry – left my Charger at home” ~ A Knight explaining why he’s late for work.
Even though Glee star Cory Montieth has been found dead in a hotel, remember fans of the show: Don’t stop, bereaving.
Feminism – For women who want to be treated equally. To the nice looking ones.
Firing mortars into an allotment is as easy as shelling peas.
I crossed a bloodhound with a sausage dog and ended up with a litter of little black puddings.
I’m like Marmite. Slightly too salty.
My girlfriend dumped me for being obsessed with Greenpeace. Oh well, there’s not many fish left in the sea.
TIP: Unemployed People. A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that you have fuck all to do today.
What, you want a tip? Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
News: “McCain chip factory erupts in massive fire” Throw a large damp tea-towel on it.
Note: I don’t give a fuck if its hotter where you are.
Just been playing snooker quite badly. 8, 15, 9, 22, them’s the breaks.
I saw a woman expressing milk in the town centre today. Now that’s what I call interpretive dance.
I’m in favour of shame sex marriage.
I like tweets where there is an implied narrative. But then I would…
My last girlfriend accused me of being inarticulate. Inarticulate? I don’t even know the meaning of the word.
In the summer I always tease my neighbour saying he hasn’t got the legs for shorts. He stood on a mine in Afghanistan.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while surrounded by papier-mâché models of your ex-girlfriends.
You can always spot the person who is walking down the street listening to “Stayin’ Alive” on their iPod.
My mate said “Look at Cliff Richard, I’d love to know his secret”. I said “To be fair, I think most of us do”.
The Bayeux Tapestry demonstrates that it’s worth embroidering a good story.
Fittingly when I find myself in a field of raspberries, I also like to have a silent P in the middle.
My friend asked “What’s the secret to your happy marriage?” I said “Chemistry. I’m on Valium and the wife’s on Prozac.”
OMG. My baby niece just spoke her first words! I was pulling funny faces at her and she said “I can totally see why you’re still single”.
For Sale: Unfinished whodunnit novel. Mostly written, but needs a final paragraph explaining who did it.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when your waiter arrives with your food.
£3 for a small bottle of Evian? Eau dear.
The fact that guests on Desert Island Discs never choose a record player as their luxury item shows just how fucking stupid celebrities are.
A porn addict is suing Apple for not filtering porn. I think there’s every chance he’ll pull it off.
I’d like the ruling that potatoes don’t count as one of your five a day to be challenged in the courts.
“You look a bit grumpy” “It’s early” “Ok then, you look a bit surly”.
I am loving this hot weather as it’s given me the chance to tan my penis. Everyone knows the darker it is the longer it looks.
I get funny looks from my parents.
The wife wanted to try a bit of role reversal in the bedroom. I hated it, I just sat there with my arms folded while she was down the pub.
The boiler broke last night and we had to get a man out. How he got in there in the first place I’ll never know.
He said “I’d like to expand my franchise, will you help by building me the largest Italian Restaurant in the world?” I said “Hmm, sounds like a big Ask”.
lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
It’s not polite to say “Kate Middleton hasn’t given birth yet”. Instead, it’s better to say “The Royal Box is still occupied”.
Trying to work out how many more 100m runners need to test positive until my 14.8 seconds becomes the world record.
Just got on a train without an emergency bottle of water. The spirit of punk lives on.
Surprised that Heather Mills has come out as a Labour supporter. I always thought she leaned slightly to the right.
Is it just me or are there other personal pronouns?
Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
Watched that programme on Channel 5, ‘The Man Aroused By Wedding Cakes’. It was a real tier jerker.
Some bird caught me off guard and asked me to tell her a tennis joke. I said “Sorry, tennis puns simply aren’t my forte, love”.