My 17 year-old stepdaughter thinks it’s alright to compete in a wet t-shirt competition. Well, I’ll be the judge of that.
I was always in trouble as a kid. I still vividly recall the feeling of my dad’s belt buckle smacking against my arse cheeks. Especially as he was still wearing it at the time.
Well done to my friend with no arms who’s managed to undress unaided. He’s worked his socks off.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
Playing Trivial Pursuit with the wife last night. She landed on Science & Nature and I asked her the question: “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”. She thought for a minute and said “Is it on or off?”
Nobody:
Eminem: “I get happy from endorphies door keys pizza with four cheese whore please! *switching to not yelling* I like to store bees floor freeze more knees explore sleaze *yelling again* Dre get me the war fleas!”
The other night I pulled a girl in a nightclub and brought her back to my flat. Just as we were about to get down to business she hesitated and said “I don’t want to be just another notch on your bedpost”. “Not to worry love” I said as I slipped my cock in, “I don’t count the fat ones”.
Bride’s Dad hands a note to the groom: GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.
Groom gives another note back to father: CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.
The mother in-law phoned today and said “Come quick I think I’m dying”. I said “Phone me back when you’re sure”.
News: Sociologists receive government grant to establish why pensioners order 30 pints of milk before they die.
My son: “Dad, can I lend ten quid to go to the cinema tonight?”
Me: “Can I borrow ten quid to go to the cinema tonight?”
My son: “Fuck off, I asked you first”.
I had my BMI measured today and the doctor said I was morbidly obese. Came as a bit of a shock I don’t mind telling you. I always thought I was a jolly fat fella.
It’s at times when I’m alone with my own thoughts, I come to the well-worked-out conclusion that I’ve got no friends.
Last night I got as drunk as a pancake. Which is what happens when you mix your metaphors.
To the dodgy pharmacist who sold me that batch of fake Viagra, no hard feelings.
My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m too reckless. I think that’s what she said anyway. I was shaving my bollocks with a chainsaw at the time.
My mate was telling me that there’s rumours flying around that I secretly download dated, manufactured British pop. That’s Hear’say, Pure and Simple.