When you wake to hear a comically-haired slimeball American playboy millionaire has died… and it’s the other one.
If I’m going to be a fetish wear model, I really need to get my arse into gear.
I recently started micro-dosing LSD. It’s like taking regular LSD but you only believe you can fly very short distances.
My car broke down at an organic free-range farm one night. The farmer said I could stay overnight as long as I didn’t genetically modify his daughter.
[on a first date]
Her: “I’m just tired of all the games”
Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket*
Half of me says, ‘I should stop drinking’. The other half says, ‘Don’t listen to that guy he’s drunk’.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones and tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: “I think our son is feeling ostrichsized”
Wife: “Don’t you mean ostracized?”
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: “No”
What behaviour immediately makes you suspicious of someone? For me it’s when they extend their cape with an arm, then obscure the lower face with it.
“Same” ~ me, as a therapist.
I just Took The Knee, but it was to get some oven chips out the freezer so not sure it counts.
I just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
My pet snail gets embarrassed about leaving a slimy trail. And to be honest, I can see where he’s coming from.
“For you, the sky’s the limit!” ~ NASA rejection letter.
[me, on a first date]
“Please bring me the finest bottle of the cheapest wine you have”
I think a nice tribute to Hugh Hefner would be that in the order of service at his funeral, a couple of pages are stuck together.
My friend beat 100’s of girls to become a Hefner playmate. I asked how she pulled it off; she said she closed her eyes and used an oven glove.
Never realised how hard it is to buy a suitcase with a false bottom. In fact, most shops won’t even let you in until you take it off.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand just so that I can sound more photosynthesis.
Just watched three people jogging outside and it has really inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I was raised by my father. He was a competitive poker player.
News: As a Bradford school bans sausage rolls, Greggs considers renaming them pork bananas.
Interviewer: “What would you consider one of your strengths?” Me: “I perform under pressure”
Interviewer: “Can you give me an example?”
Me: *deep breath*
“Mm ba ba de,
Um bum ba de,
Um bu bu bum da de
PRESSURE, pushing down on me”