I’m sick of the double standards in my household. My wife comes home with a Rampant Rabbit vibrator and she’s a “naughty girl who needs a good seeing to” and we test it out in the bedroom. When I order a Pumpmaster 5000 Latex Pussy with Realistic Arsehole, free cleaning brush and a ball gag, suddenly I’m “a disgusting bastard and I’m leaving you”.
I just bought a ticket for a reincarnation seminar at the o2. £125 a ticket. At first I was going to leave it but then I thought ‘Why not, you only live once’.
I remember the time a Jewish paedophile tried to groom me. I was in his car and he said “Hey kid, go easy on the sweets”.
My Turkish neighbour has opened a stall in his garden that only sells custard, jelly and blancmange. I thought “That’s a trifle bazaar”.
What cruel bastard decided to to put an ‘s’ in the word lisp?
After a major piss up last night I woke up at four in the morning to find myself next to this proper fat ugly bird. That’s when I realised I’d made it home safely.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now apparently photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.
A mate of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Geneva for the last two years. He’s recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. She’s a swiss army wife.
I went to a 70’s disco last night. Bought all sorts of cool gear too – platform boots, purple flares, an afro wig. But in retro specs I looked like a twat.
I just opened my drawer at work and an important document flew right out of the window. I’m not worried though, I think it was a draft.
There’s only one thing worse than shitting the bed: Having to smear it around your girlfriend’s arse so she thinks that it’s her fault.
I’ve developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant. 1. Get a huge block of marble
2. Chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant
I’m in a hurry and some fucking idiot has just asked me for directions. I told him where to go.
I was telling my mate about a car crash I was in where I hit a girl who stepped into a country road. She turned out to be a gorgeous long legged blonde 19 year old but she sustained serious head injuries. My mate said ”Bummer”. I said ”No, I didn’t have enough time before the fucking ambulance turned up”.