This morning the kids were feeding the birds in the garden with fat balls. Or Uncle Frank, as he prefers to be called.
At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
I finished the draft of my first book. My wife read it and said that she thought the main character shouldn’t survive at the end. It’s an autobiography.
The thing about David Beckham was that he could always slot a corner into place. It was always the rest of the jigsaw that eluded him.
I find it hard to believe Donald Trump had to keep a child secret and he didn’t choose Eric.
Help! I’m playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I’ve only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me: OVNR.
My son stands with an apple on his head, looking nervous. I fire my bow. “Ha! You missed!”, says my rival. “Look again,” I say. On top of the apple stands an ant, my arrow piercing the raspberry seed on his head.
Wife: [angrily getting up from table] “Can we please buy a bed?!”
Nothing ruins a career quite like throwing a successful surprise birthday party for a Fortune Teller.
“Where do you see yourself in three weeks?” ~ job interview at the current White House.
Marriage is just your husband perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I found a lovely present for my new girlfriend in the cellar. I’ll take it down to her later.
Thank you lady in Sainsbury’s with the screaming kid. I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
If Australian drink measures are to go metric, I hope it’s schooner rather than litre.
Boss: “That’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?” Me: “Stop counting?”
“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife” Waiter: “Ok I’ll ask again. Have you booked a table?”
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks: “Do you mind if I say a word?” “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says: “Plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
[in the bedroom]
Her: “Before we go further, I’m ready to get physical with you but I’m just not looking for anything serious right now, OK?”
Me: *Struggling into clown suit, then launching into vigorous bout of jumping jacks*: “Absolutely”
People getting idioms wrong is my absolute bunk-bed.