I hate the use of Latin terms in regular language, e.g. texts, tweets, etc.
The English language is so diverse. For example ‘Trump’ is slang for ‘fart’ in the UK and for ‘Preposterous combover on a turd’ in the US.
I can’t be bothered to finish this energy drink.
Michael Schumacher’s family are racing to be by his side. Ralph will be last as usual.
I’ve been having my sexuality repressed for years, but it’s still wrinkly.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Masturbate on the bus and you’ll get maybe one or two joining in at best.
I’m doing Nigella’s ham boiled in coke recipe for dinner. I hope it’s good because the ingredients have cost over £650 so far.
TIP: Work out your nickname by putting the words “The Twat” between your first name and surname.
I asked our deaf plumber if we were going to have hot and cold water. One tap for no, two taps for yes.
I got addicted to turkey this week. I’m currently on cold heroin to get me off it.
FACT: The Inuit have over thirty words to describe how utterly mediocre they think Snow Patrol are.
I remember how sore I was when my Car Rental firm was voted only 2nd Best in the UK in 2010. Three years later, it’s still Hertz.
That awkward moment on a first date when she discovers your tattoo of her password.
Taking the kids to get some new words tomorrow at Thesau-R-Us.
Yes, I have got kidneys, FYI*
(*for urine formation)
I asked her if I could ride her funicular to the highest peak. She said she might very well take me up on it.
Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that subtle racism is on the increase again since the death of Nelson Mandingo?
So, when they say you can avoid crying by chopping onions underwater, they just mean put the onions underwater. Also: scuba gear for sale.
I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
Why was the blonde woman staring at the orange juice? Because she is an independent intelligent woman reading the nutritional facts.
When are they going to convert Four Star generals to unleaded?
My insomnia specialist charges me £120 an hour. I often ask him “How do you sleep at night?”
On ‘World’s Strongest Man 2013’ tonight: Ruddy Squarehead from the US, and Finnish champion Bulge Vein throw buses over a greenhouse.
I got a 2:2 in Roadying.
My new Wombles Pepper-Mill is rubbish. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.”
I just saw a boat full of scouts go speeding past”
“How many knots were they doing?”
“All of them”
Somewhere in a multicultural household, Hebrew tea and Urdu washing.
Still amazed that The Bible was so specific in forbidding shops with 280 square metres of floor space to open for over 6 hours on a Sunday.
Job interview tip: Tell them you’re not an applicant, you’re an appliCAN. Lick your finger, hold it against buttock. Make sizzling noise.
TIP: Find your mother’s porn name by simply waiting for the credits.
I’m writing a book about the difficulties of watching Pride and Prejudice dubbed into French. It will be called L’Austen Translation
When you give 2 girls 1 cup, shit happens.
Nobody ever remembers the Christmas George Michael gave everyone spleens.
No more Adrian Mole, Evelyn Waugh or Anne Frank for me in the new year. I’m cutting diary products.
Just stood next to a disorientated ex-footballer in the gents. I’m going to file him as a pissing Merson.