Just watching the Great Indian Bake Off with Paul Bollywood.
TIP. Men. Examine your own prostate by wiping your arse with Aldi value toilet roll.
Scientist: ‘We can beat Covid by being clean and polite’
USA: *shits directly into scientist*
Quick question: What saying has been passed down over the generations in your family? Mine is “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
When I first started my support group for perverted ice cream men, they came in their hundreds and thousands.
Colleague: “Cool Zoom background, it looks just like you’re in a pub!”
Me: [in pub] “Haha, yeah I know” *throws dart just off camera hitting double fourteen to go 5-3 up*
Classified: Missed connection. On the 8.42 to St Albans yesterday morning. You were wearing a pink sweater and jeans, reading a Brontë novel. I had my cock and balls out.
Date: “Hey, are you on twitter?”
Me: “That’s an odd question to ask during sex”
Date: “Sorry, I just wondered why you were on your phone”
Outlook: This email has no subject line
Me: Send it anyway
Outlook: But–
ME: SEND IT ANYWAY *lights cigar, turns to shocked underlings* “What are you all looking at? Don’t you have work to do?” *underlings scatter*
I’m still a member of Constipation Club, but I haven’t been for ages.
I’m thinking about investing in a bakery business, but first I want to check thier turnover.
People have criticised me for making jokes about allergies, but I think they’re just overly sensitive.
Me: “Who’s the greatest cricketing family?”
Him: “Definitely Miandad”
Me: “I didn’t even know you both played”
Bramwell slipped and fell on his coccyx while hunting for dinosaur fossils. He went home with a Brontë sore arse bone.
I just asked the lady in the newsagents for a Double Decker. She disappeared for ages. Then she brought me three.
Why do people say: “he died in a skydiving accident”? It wasn’t an accident. He jumped out of a fucking plane three miles above the earth. It’s an accident if he survives. It’s like saying “He died in a cobra-taunting accident”.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I’m on fire with the ladies at the moment. Six bars I went to yesterday and in all six I was asked for my name and mobile number. Haven’t heard from any of them yet though.
I feel guilty because I just shoplifted a box of Trivial Pursuit even though I’ve got no one to play it with. I’m going to have to ask myself some very difficult questions.