As a compromise, Corbyn could pledge to use nuclear weapons but leave it to Diane Abbott to remember the launch codes.
TIP: Add a subtly insulting touch to any cheque by writing “only” after specifying the amount payable.
Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue. I think this yoghurt has gone off.
[Death Row]
Guard: “Any last requests?”
Inmate: “A little heroin would be nice”
Tinker Bell: *chloroforms guard*
Inmate: “I meant the drug, you fucking idiot”
Her: “Are you wearing that shirt to go out in?”
Him: “Yes. What’s wrong with it?”
Her: “Nothing”
Morgan Freeman: “Everything was wrong with it”
Cop 1: “There’s been another murder”
Cop 2: “I think I see a pattern emerging”
Cop 1: “Please. Put your knitting down and focus”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said… “Please stop narrating everything”.
My gang name is “For The Last Time, You Ain’t In This Gang, Mothafucka”.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire pack and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
TIP: Make a fortune at Covent Garden by simply placing your hat in front of a statue.
TIP: Pretend you are a poet by randomly hitting enter
too many times
in one sentence.
TIP: Convince other public toilet users you are much younger by loudly shouting “I’ve Finished!” from within your cubicle.
Fruit I just boiled up and simmered with sugar is my new jam.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition.
Man Utd are wiping the floor with Ajax.
Quick question: Are you allowed to call into work fat?
Ben Carson said poverty is a state of mind. So next month, I’m going to tell my landlord that I paid my rent with positive thinking.
I like my coffee like i like my women. Cheap because of the exploitation of foreign workers.
On the bright side, a politician body slamming a reporter brings us one step closer to President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
I love taking my wife on holiday to warm countries. Because any time I like I can shout “Mosquito!!” and slap her in the face.
Lisa Stansfield has finally found her baby. He’s 27 now. He’d been in the airport all along, and had been raised by the staff at Tie Rack.
Dog Walkers. Worst crisp flavour. Ever.
TV show idea:
75 million people give up their lives to live an isolated existence on an island off the coast of Europe. Oh…
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