#2212

I just had a bubble bath. It was me, my Mum, my Uncle Alan and my Nan.

Vanilla Ice now teaches computer literacy to parents. Word to your mother.

I told my friend I’d like to do a tightrope walk across a mountain gorge. He said it’s a precipice. I said “It looks difficult, though”.

Yesterday one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

The kids on our street challenged me to a water fight this afternoon. Happy to tell you that I won! Even more impressive when you realise I turned up late because I was waiting for the kettle to boil.

It was only when I was in the line to buy James Bond merchandise that I realised how much I hate Q Jumpers.

TIP: Transform a Starbucks employee into a Stallone impersonator by giving your name as ‘Adrian’ and not responding when called.

I only ever managed to reverse park successfully once, which was on my driving test. I haven’t looked back since.

When budgeting for buying mythical creatures, don’t forget: the chimera adds ten pounds.

Time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try actually taking them down.

I’ve ordered some underpants with a flap at the front that opens right up. Just been invited to a gender reveal party.

My wife’s suggested a new healthy eating plan. Unfortunately I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment.

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

It always seems to be cold and wet in Scotland. It’s amazing they manage to grow all those bananas in Fife.

This guy on the bus was just having phone sex with his partner and saying, “I can’t see you. What you wearing?” So I said “Honestly, get a Zoom”.

I went to my first Narcolepsy Support Group today. It was so boring I almost fell asleep.

My girlfriend said she was done with my immature behaviour. So I placed my hand on her shoulder, looked deeply into her eyes and said “Tag, you’re it!”

‘Enter new password’
‘BaDum’
‘Password must contain a cymbal’
‘BaDumTsss’

My girlfriend left me because I was rubbish at leap-frog. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her now.

How good is my speech therapist? It’s hard to say.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Most women are going battery powered now.

“Right, I’m off to the playground with Thor”
“*THE* Thor?”
“No, we’ll probably just go on the swings”

Our local amateur dramatics group will be performing ‘The History of the Bakery’. I’ve been invited to play a roll.