Just been reading about Jimmy Savile’s marathon cheating. Really starting to dislike that guy.
I’ve been asked to run the 2016 London Marathon. But I’ve not got the organisational skills or experience to handle the logistics for such a big event.
TIP: Pretend you’re a Lidl till assistant by throwing food rapidly across a room whilst shouting ‘CASH OR CARD?’
[crime scene]
Cop: “What we got on the killer?”
Forensics: “So far – born & raised in West Philadelphia. We’re looking for fresh prints.”
My dad always encouraged me to follow my dreams. Little did he know it was my dream to take the piss out of him to strangers for money.
Sad to hear that the inventor of motorway breaks has died. He will be remembered at a number of services across the country.
Found out last night that I’m both gay and dyslexic. I’m still in daniel.
Does anyone else give their alarm clock a name? Mine’s called ‘Cunt’.
TIP: Recreate a caravan holidays by watching a portable TV next to a wardrobe your nan’s shitting in.
Wait, what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Remember, never buy Russian jeans. Chernobyl fallout.
It’s going to be one of those days. *Points at calendar*
TIP: Telecoms Engineers. Pretend you’re a rookie detective attending a grisly murder by vomiting outside of your little tent.
[Starbucks]
“What can I get you?”
“Just a tea please”
“And your name?”
“Pam”
[gets so close their noses touch]
“Pam, get the fuck out of here”.
Breaking News: Not to be outdone, UKIP have received a letter of support signed by 5,000 child murderers.
TIP: Find out the address of your nearest Liberal Democrat MP simply by looking for the house with the ‘Vote Lib Dem’ sign.
Clinton was the president after bush, wasn’t he?
FILM IDEA: ‘Petty Woman’. Julia Roberts refuses to kiss Richard Gere on the lips until he spends a fortune on her in a clothes shop.
An English drugs mule has been apprehended with a shipment of MDMA bound for Holland. He planned to pass the Dutch E on the left hand side.
Just seen someone struggling with the spelling of schadenfreude. Cheered me up no end, that.
There’s a dripping tap in our kitchen. Perfect for when we run out of goose fat for our roast potatoes.
I’ve just finished Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Buses. Butler did it.
When I started going bald as a young man I thought I’d never use a comb again. But thankfully I now need one for my eyebrows, nose and ears.