Been invited to a Halloween ‘Come as your worst nightmare’ party. Going as ‘President Romney’.
While I support the women of Saudi Arabia who defy the driving ban, I just wonder if there was some way they could conceal their identities?
A publisher wants to print my 300 pages about the history of trouser cuffs. That’s a book for the turnups.
If you want to know whether a chick is a cunt or not, just call her a cunt. Nothing sets off a crazy cunt like being called a cunt.
Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I suffer from schizophrenia that results in delusions that I’m either Adolf Hitler or Winston Churchill. I suppose I’m my own worst enemy.
I hate when I ask a hotel receptionist for a wake-up call and he says “Your brother’s been promoted three times since you joined Twitter.”
Once Chance is the new movie about Paul Potts. I enjoyed his last one. The Killing Fields.
FACT: Regardless of your age, you always have to stop a balloon from hitting the floor.
Following this morning’s devastating storm across the south of England thousands of homes in the North have been left without giving a fuck.
I’ve just made a life size jelly of Robert Mugabe. I fear I may have set a dangerous president.
The Royal Baby, George, has already done 3 things on my bucket list. Become a billionaire.
Meet the Queen.
Suck Kate Middleton’s tits.
Government Advice: If your home is in the eye of the storm, head for your second or third home for safety.
TIP: Prove how much you like your friends by immediately pissing on them if they ever catch fire.
People who claim they get on “like a house on fire”, have clearly never been trapped in a burning building.
I’m launching a Kickstarter campaign to raise the funds I need to become a philanthropist.
I’ve been doing A-ha impressions all afternoon. I’d love to hear their take on me.
I bet that the most popular item being shoplifted in Boots stores near Gypsy camps today is brown hair dye.
The Great British Bake Off final is tonight. It makes me want to go out and buy all the ingredients for a cake, in the form of a cake.
TIP: Pretend you are beta testing Google Glass by sticking a Glacier Mint to your glasses and bumping into things.
“I’ll soon wipe that smile off your face!” ~ Tired clown’s lovely wife.
Sir Alex Ferguson’s book is supposed to have 90 pages, but when you to get to page 93 you find out there’s 4 more to go.
Just wrote a thank you letter to British Gas. With their price increases, looks like I am getting my inheritance quicker than I thought.
I dropped my copy of Sir Alex Ferguson’s autobiography in a puddle and I’m now giving it the hair dryer treatment.
“I don’t have any qualms” ~ a New Yorker who has run out of herbal sedatives.
It’s not all bad shagging fat chicks. At least you’re guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.
I think the Muslim bloke on my plane must be afraid of crashing into the ocean. Looks like he’s already got his life jacket on under his shirt.
I’m not saying I’m going through a barren spell but in the past year I’ve used Bing more times than I’ve had a fuck.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let’s try to leave better kids for our planet.
If using your phone on a plane is really that dangerous, I can’t help but feel Al Qaeda have over-thought their strategy a little bit.
British Gas – Fucking more grannies than Wayne Rooney.
It’s always in the last place you look, which leads me to believe that my counterpart driving licence is in a small filing cabinet in Ghana.
Been waiting for an hour in this takeaway – all I want is a kebab. Sheesh.
Don’t allow the crass commercialisation of Halloween to obscure its deeper spiritual message about zombies eating people’s brains.
So Chancellor Merkel has phoned President Obama regarding the wiretapping of her mobile. I bet Obama saw that one coming.
If I have to spend one more night in this spoon factory, I’m going to go stir crazy.
Keep yourself warm this winter by spending all your time frantically switching energy providers.