“Would you like to swing on a star? Carry moonbeams home in a jar?” Take acid.
TIP: Always board a bus backwards, whispering into your lapel.
The new Findus packaging looks very impressive – “Now with 100% more beef”.
This new Craig David Fridge is rubbish – it only chills on Sunday.
If all the people claiming Irish heritage on St Patrick’s Day were laid end to end you’d have some idea what this bar I’m in looks like.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around. And that’s what it’s all about.
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, the Kardashian sisters are only fucking the Boston Celtics.
Want o know about Americans? Gay marriage is legal in six US states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23.
A bloke has brought a really old blow-up doll onto the Antiques Roadshow. He said “Can you date it?” The expert said “No, and if I were you I wouldn’t put my cock in it either”.
Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.
Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?
Current relationship status: Just bought my cat an eternity ring.
Don’t forget that it’s National Gullibility Awareness Day tomorrow.
I really should do some washing up and some shopping. I’m currently drinking Bovril from a glove.
I’ve represented myself in court before. Unfortunately the judge also represented himself and not a peppers shaker like I practised.
BREAKING NEWS: Playboy model found murdered had been very tastefully shot.
I wouldn’t be able to cheat. I don’t have the attention span for more than one woman.
I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
What does chloroform smell lik
“My dog smells terrible”. “Has he got a nose?” “Yes”.
“My children are also my best friends.” ~ Lonely parent.
I come from a long line of queue jumpers.
Thanks to autocorrect, I’ve just entered the Brian of Britain. Awkward.
Convince everyone in your street they slept through a flash flood by going out at night and leaving fish on top of their cars.
Before I lost weight, it was hard for me to get my arse in gear. Especially tight trousers.
“I am the Muzak man, I come from down your way and I can play” “What can you play?”
“I play The Girl From Ipanema on a Bontempi organ”.
Some of the children pushing ahead of me in the queue for this slide need to grow up.
Went to the dentist today and had gas. I apologized profusely but he had to leave the room a few times.
My friend’s pet snake got into my freezer last night. I don’t know how to tell him. I think I’ll just give it to him straight.
“Blimey! Have you swallowed a dictionary or something?” ~ Me, to someone who is really choking quite badly.
There’s a large protest taking place in Germany to stop the Berlin wall being knocked down. And they say Germans don’t understand irony.
That awkward moment when you commando roll into the wrong meeting room.
My wife gives me “pension sex.” I get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.
BBC: “Teachers announce series of strikes.” It’s their own time they’re wasting.
Cinderella’s my favourite story about a wealthy foot fetishist who will only marry women with a very specific shoe size.
If you don’t want to have a civilised and intelligent discussion, you can just fuck off.
I’m a pint of milk short of the full delivery. Call the men in white coats!
People are sponsoring me to do a marathon. I’ll give them a run for their money.
My wife died when she fell in some quicksand. It took a while for it to sink in.
I’ve started seeing a reverse psychologist. She’s telling me not to pay.
Saw the same thing in the 99p shop I’d just bought in Poundland. Gutted.
TIP: Change your text alert to a camera shutter sound to give an edgy atmosphere to your morning commute.
Michael Owen has come out of retirement to announce he will be retiring at the end of the season.
I got kicked out of school today. For being naked. And 58 years old.
Shit. Just catching up with what happened to Jesus. Terrible.
BUDGET RUMOURS: 50p on a packet of horsemeat.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake.
Budget News: They’ve put the bus fare up again in Bradford to 100 Rupees.
TIP: Unnerve other commuters by laughing lots as you read the Bible.
FACT: No one shakes their head more than a mechanic who’s building himself up to give an estimate.
Pretend you’re in a romcom by asking an amusing gay man to be your best friend.
So the Iraq War is 10 years old. I’m surprised it hasn’t appeared on the Mail website in a swimsuit.
I’m terrible at Frénch àcçênts.
I’ll always remember my first shag. 14 years old and so scared. Mind you, I was 26.
England play San Marino tomorrow. A country so small that if you kick the ball into touch you have to go through Customs to get it back.
A deck of cards is a fun reminder that members of the royal family are just a little bit better than everyone else.
I bought some kangaroo condoms today. They’re for the gland down under.
So glad the new Archbishop of Canterbury has been enthroned. I hate it when archbishops aren’t enthroned.
On an unrelated note, my dad sent me a letter today telling me I was adopted.
“Today a woman rang the BBC to say she’d heard there was a team of hackers on its way. Well don’t worry, there isn’t” ~ Michael Fish, earlier.
Just received this: “I hope this email finds you well…”. What is he some sort of Victorian time-traveller?
Is there a number you can call if you’re addicted the helplines?
Feels like spring. The sun is out, the flowers are out; now, if only the new Archbishop of Canterbury would come out.
I’ve just written a joke about a huge candle, it’s a slow burner.
Daniel Radcliffe said that he was “dependent on alcohol” to make it through the final Harry Potter films. That makes two of us.
People always say I’m really dishy. I have a very round face.
I want to sell my spitoon on Ebay, but I’m worried it might trigger a b’ding! war.
Got told off by the park keeper for shooting a mallard with a supersoaker but it’s water off a duck’s back.
News: Osborne has confirmed that Friday has been outsourced to a Facilities Management Company and you now have to pay to get into the weekend.
Girls Aloud have broken up again?!! They have more splits than a Louie Spence themed ice cream parlour.
The crappy spread in the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Obama says the US is Israel’s best friend. If your best friend lives 6000 miles away and visits once in four years maybe something’s wrong.
Jim Davidson rearrested on more sex abuse claims! He really does put the ‘cunt’ into ‘Jim Davidson, what a cunt!’
After 25 years of having an embarrassing name, I finally decided to stand up for myself and have it changed. No more Mr. Nice Guy.