They say Berbatov does things on the pitch that other players can’t. Hibernation certainly appears to be one of them.
FACT: The greediest man in Iran is Ayatollah Pies.
Not in a good place right now. It’s a Premier Inn in Wigan.
I’ve been feeling odd lately so I just called the National Paranoia Society helpline. The guy said “Where did you get this number?”
Hate patronising hashtags #justsaying
What do you call a sexist feminist?
A feminist.
Fuck the NHS. That Pudsey Bear’s taken years getting over his cataract operation.
Just caught a bit of Strictly Come Dancing. Hadn’t realised that last week the British public voted off Brucie.
I love this map. I’d be lost without it.
TIP: Become an unpaid, on-call IT Support person by letting your neighbours know you ‘work in computers a bit’.
The John Lewis ad is now as much a part of Christmas as getting into chronic debt buying overpriced crap for ungrateful arseholes.
Waiter, there’s a… Waiter! I say, Waiter there’s a… Waiter! WAITER!!! Oh dear, the service in this joke has really gone down hill.
I note that Santander are making the most of Jessica Ennis-Hill’s acting talent. She could comfortably play a teacher in Hollyoaks.
My Halloween costume is middle aged dad with children and a mortgage.
I wonder if Andy or Rebekah, as the love letter was being read out, was thinking “Is this really in the public interest?”
Halloween. Another American import we’ve got to put up with to go with people twerking, caring about their teeth and being confident.
BREAKING NEWS: Reports of panic buying in Chelsea. Waitrose is out of swan liver paté and organic lavender-infused olive oil. Mayhem.
As a mark of respect to Lou Reed, I have had his initials inscribed upon my headphones.
Whenever the clocks change I lose track of whether it’s Chico or Hammer time.
My new girlfriend will only let me shag her up the arse and I’m not sure why. Perhaps she’s ashamed of her abnormally large clit.
This morning I’m strolling the gamut of emotions from apathy to inertia.
A clown started just a fight with me in the park. I said “You don’t want to fight me, I’ll make you look silly”.
TIP: Before chopping onions always be sure to rub a teaspoonful of ‘No More Tears’ shampoo into your eyes.
How many times do I have to tell you? No, I will not endorse you on LinkedIn for ‘Persistence’.
My neighbour who can’t paint has done a self-portrait. That’s not like him.
My local Indian restaurant doubles as a euthanasia clinic. Last time I was there I finished my nann off with a pilau.
What sort of country do we live in if a rich man can’t expect the poor to pay to keep his horse warm?